Think the Fat Lady Has Sung....

It ain't over until it's over, but in my case, I think it is now safe to conclude that the final score is Nature 1, Me 0.  Which is ok under the circumstances.  Sure as heck beats an ectopic pregnancy.  Or worse.  So all is well that ends well, and I am now able to look ahead with some certainty at last.   Thank goodness I planned everything on the assumption that the fat lady would not be singing and thus have things in motion so that I have a future that I can nevertheless look forward to, notwithstanding life's twists and turns. I really do pity some of the other women going through this who seem to have lost their grip on reality, or at a minimum, their perspective, due to their all-consuming fixation/desperation on reproducing. Luckily I did not turn into one of those, although I see how it can happen, and more easily than I would have thought.  I was also very fortunate to find a chat room buddy who was level-headed but going through the same process, that I could run things by and who helped keep it all in perspective, so a big thank-you to S.!!

Now it's onwards and forwards - new job, another car (really have to unload one at least, after all how many BMWs does a hard working career girl truly need, especially when they aren't even on the same continent as me!), knuckling down to finalize the decorating of the apartment (which includes buying a few sticks of furniture - yuck - but I know it will be worth it once it is done) and a quick trip back to North America to sort out a few practicalities.  But more importantly, my short term treats for this coming week, which include a 2-hour massage (YEAY) and a facial (MORE YEAY!). 

Still one blood test to go before I shut this all down, and of course I'll do that final update later this week.

Cheers to you all and have a great Boxing Day!

And We Keep Watching....

Just a quick update to say that I had a rough "on the couch think I have the flu" day yesterday.  Added to which was the worry about a potential ectopic pregnancy and being a bit down about having no Christmas at all this year (and then of course chiding myself because there are much worse problems in the world than mine!).  Oh well, it is always darkest before the dawn! 

The good news (I think) is that I started spotting last night.  That, combined with the faintest of lines on my HPT of this morning (in fact so faint that maybe I was imagining it?) indicating, at best, a super-tenuous positive, is leaving me hopeful that nature has come to its logical conclusion, instead of, to add insult to injury, pushing me into a situation where I need to have surgery or other nasty procedures to finish this off.  One more home pregnancy test tomorrow, and then the final bloodwork on Monday, which will hope will close this chapter off unequivocally, rather than stringing me along unnecessarily.

Might try to get out for a few hours today in the snow (not sure what else would be on offer on Xmas Day around here), except I have a crashing headache, so my motivation levels to do much are still rather low.

Cheers and stay tuned!

What a load of crapola

Did the beta today.  Which meant wandering around a large poorly labelled hospital campus in the freezing cold with icy and unshovelled sidewalks in 4 inch heels (ok I know I know, I figured there would be parking nearby but silly me forgot...this is Europe) for over an hour, until some doctor took pity on me and in broken English took me to the place that I was looking for.  Which no rational human could have found, because it was under construction and labelled as the andrology clinic (huh?...ok?). 

Anyways to make a long story short my HCG was at 16.4 and my progesterone at 11.9.  Which basically is the tail end of my last Pregnyl (hormone) shot working its way out of my system, and definitely not a pregnancy.  Although I do have to go back on Monday and they'll redo the bloodwork to see if it has gone up.  Personally I am just hoping that my period hits full force between now and then and I can call it a day.  What a waste of my life and energy this whole process has become!  And tbh I don't even care what the result is, I just want to know so that I can move on, one way or the other.  Actually after witnessing a 2 year old have a complete meltdown in a crowded store today I think I am leaning towards a negative in any event.   It is becoming very clear that at my age there are too many unknown variables in this process, and I don't feel like dealing with a pregnancy for a few months if I could even get that far, only to find out in the end that I need to have an abortion due to some chromosomal defect that doesn't become apparent until they do an amnio.  No thanks.

I'll tune in again after Monday's test for what will hopefully be The Final Chapter (or maybe sooner if Mother Nature makes things very clear via a period), but I am thinking that in the battle of Me Vs. Nature, Nature won, and good on her I say - she can have it.  I will send her my thanks as I am cruising the Autobahn in my A5 convertible and enjoying my life in other ways.  :-) 

Time to think about getting a dog...haven't ever seen one of those have a tantrum in a store!

Cheers and MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone, really, I do mean it!

PS No Xmas for us I am afraid, man is down for the count with the flu.  Drag.

One More Day to Go.....

At long last this journey is almost over!  What a relief it will be to move on from this whole process and get back to normal.  I feel like my entire life has been on hold since the decision to go ahead with this was made in the summer.  All I can say is many thanks to a good buddy of mine who told me to carry on as if I wasn't pregnant or planning on being, and to make all of my decisions on that basis.  Excellent advice!!!

Last night I caved in and slept with a sports bra...hellooooooo?    Oh well, unorthodox but it worked, I didn't get awakened once by sore boobs.  Nor did I have to rush out of bed to pee, I stayed away from a nighttime tea this time!  I am crossing my fingers (and toes) that this darn Pregnyl will have worked its way out of my system by the weekend so that the bloat starts going down and I start feeling like a human being again.  What a nasty nasty drug!

This morning's HPT was only very faintly positive, so the good news is that I am inching closer to getting this drug out of my system.  Tomorrow is beta day (wow - the 2 weeks just flew by) and then I will have closure.  I am looking forward to spoiling myself and focusing on my potential new job as well as at long last finalizing things in my new apartment.   Plus a trip back home in 2-3 weeks to try to finalize things there (heavens do I EVER miss North America!!), and then if everything comes together it will be back to the working grind after a luxurious almost 2 year break. I digress here, but working so sucks.  However this job sounds like it might actually be fun so I am keeping an open mind.

Stay tuned for the final chapter in my battle with nature, I am very intrigued by where it will have ended up!  In the meantime time to start researching a treadmill on the internet because I refuse to be a bloated beach ball for New Year's Eve festivities!

Cheers!

2 Days To Go......

....and my boobs are KILLING me.  Sorry about the TMI, but between that the bloating, I am expecting one DOOZY of a period. Just in time for Christmas.  Ho ho ho and joy joy joy to me!  :-)

But seriously...my boobs are so darn sore I can't even sleep at night anymore...every time I move, they hurt and wake me up.  Oh and the peeing.  Don't even get me started.  Think I was up 5x for that last night.  Because silly me drank a big cup of tea before going to bed, hoping that it would settle down the bloat.  Well, all it did was keep me waking up every 2 hours for a bathroom run, thus leaving me tired and cranky this morning. 

In between all the tooing and froing to the bathroom last night (Europeans don't seem to get the concept of an en suite) I also managed to fit in a dream that I got my results and they were negative.  So as much as I like to say that I am cool as a cucumber about this whole thing (other than annoyed by the never-ending minor physical discomfort) it would seem that my subconscious is dwelling on things while I am busy trying to do other things.  But that's ok, better my subconscious be busy than have me flipping out all day.  

In any event, in 2 days I will know and then all of this fun and frolic will finally be behind me and I can move on to other things.  We have already discussed doing some skiing (no lack of snow here...in fact I could ski down my urban street right now if the inclination struck me), and there are a few cities (Budapest and Vienna come to mind) that I would really like to check out before (hopefully, assuming everything works out) I jump back into the craziness of an intense job.   Which reminds me, I still have to scare up a cleaning lady.  Won't that be an interesting adventure! 

The good news is that my Christmas cookies are yummy.  So yummy that I am eating them for breakfast.  Whoops!  Maybe the bloat is actually me getting fat from all of the junk food and chocolate here.  Well, on the 23rd once my results are in I will buckle down, find a treadmill, and get my body back since at that point I won't be able to blame the drugs anymore!

Now it's time to do some work and then source some of the ingredients for Xmas dinner.  And gifts...must do that too...not sure why I have been so lackadaisical about that.  Luckily I don't have too many to do!

Cheers from the great white snowy European continent!

Getting Closer...

Hard to believe after all of this lapse time and medical intervention, that in 3 days I will have done my pregnancy blood test and be waiting by the phone for my results (or maybe even know them?).  Well, maybe I won't quite be waiting by the phone...rather, I'll be out and about doing my Xmas shopping.   Or doing the prep for Xmas dinner, as they do it on the evening of the 24th here, so I can do the sauces and dips on the 23rd without fear of giving anyone food poisoning.  Of course if my period shows up before then, I will have my answer even sooner.   Judging by the soreness of my boobs and the crampiness that I feel it is about to hit any day now.  However I did have that one afternoon of cramping around implantation time, so I haven't entirely written the whole exercise off.  So weird to invest so much time and money in something with such low odds, and then to have no symptoms to speak of that would give any indication of the outcome.  However the 2 weeks are almost up and to be honest, they sped by fairly quickly.  Before I know it this whole process will be a distant memory!

Time to go and bake some Christmas cookies now...I am woefully behind in all of my Christmas preparations, other than having put up my tree!

Cheers!

Too Early to Mean Anything, But....

Ok, I caved in and did a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT) this morning.   Actually I did it because I spent $40 on 6 of them and figured what else was I going to do with them?  I am Day 8 post transfer, and it was only a 2-day transfer, so it is FAR too early to mean anything, other than to be an indicator of the fact that medication from the IVF is still in my system.  So the fact that it came in as positive means nothing at this point.  Heck I won't even mention it to my man lest he read something into it.  But now at least I know that the tests work, and will measure every few days to watch the progress.  What I think is supposed to happen is that the positive will become fainter and fainter as the drug works its way out of your system, and then it will hit negative and either stay there or flip back to a positive if in fact one is pregnant.  I say what the hey, it will be good scientific fun to secretly spy on the doings of my reproductive system.  And anyways my blood test is next Thursday so it will give me something to amuse myself with, in between picking out flooring and furniture for the 2nd bedroom.  Oh and a desk too, can't forget that!

My cold has finally turned a corner and feels like it is improving as I didn't wake up hacking 10x during the night.  I did however wake up boiling hot at one point (I mean REALLY warm), not sure what THAT was supposed to be about.  It seems like it is always something!  I also feel a bit barfy this morning, I am really getting tired of these darn drugs and their side effects! The final needle is tomorrow night and I will be thrilled to see the last of them.  Hopefully the drug clears out of my system fairly quickly after that and I get back to normal.  Especially on the bloating front, blech.

So...the beat goes on...and on... 

Cheers and Happy Friday!

You Are Going to Be Impressed!

Ok folks.   There is ONE and only ONE reason I put myself through this unique form of torture today.  Because on the very very remote chance that I actually do register as being pregnant, I want to make sure that I have bloodwork details that give my clinic the info they need so they can advise me re: additional drugs to take.  Because I have become sufficiently jaded with this whole process that I have already assumed that on the off chance things come together, it will mean more drugs, since there seems to be nothing natural about this entire process whatsoever.  So with that in mind I bravely navigated the local yellow pages all morning in a very foreign language and, I think, have found a clinic that will do my bloodwork on December 23rd and give me the results on the same day.  I still have to call them back with some additional personal info, but at least I have a place to go to, and it is only 20 minutes or so away from here too.  Some days I must admit I manage to impress myself.  Either that or I just signed up for a enema or a lobotomy. I guess I'll find out when I get there.  Sigh.

Now with that accomplishment out of the way, I am going to take a moment to bitch and complain.  Here goes.  And thanks in advance for listening.

 I am getting heartily sick and tired of feeling bloated, crampy and just gross (yes today was an excess crampy and gassy day, sorry for the tmi).  I mean tbh I already look 5 months pregnant...and I am a skinny chick.  When on earth are all of these dratted side effects going to go away?  I tell you the first day I get my BFN I am going for a 10k jog and damn the torpedoes (and snow, and cold). And then I am doing every yoga pose in the book to expell all the excess gas in me (yes, I am almost at the point where I can compete with my man, and I tell  you that is quite an impressive accomplishment since he expels enough methane to single-handedly put a hole in the ozone layer). And after that I am putting myself on a diet.  Not that I feel fat per se, I just feel bloated...so maybe I can skip the diet. Oh, and speaking of cold, this bug I got from my man is making me miserable as well. I hacked most of last night and then was up 100x peeing because of all the water I had to drink to keep from hacking up my lungs, embryos and god knows what else that is lurking in me.   Second sigh.

So I ask once again (I know I have already asked this in at least one other post)....ARE WE HAVING FUN YET???  Someone please feel free to give me a nudge when the good part starts.

A Side Note

Just a quick note to say that nothing is happening.  At all. Feel the same other than the fact that I have managed to pick up my man's cold (germ hygiene doesn't seem to be his strong suit, notwithstanding his paramedical training).  However I am trying to hold steady and not take any drugs for it.  Not that I think this will work,  but I want to be sure that at some point I don't start second guessing things and say "hmmm could it have been the cold medication fhat I took on day 3 etc.". 

And on the topic of men, I am ready to trade mine in at this point.  Or actually forget the trade in, I think simplying junking him would be best.  Not sure I want another model, since they all seem cursed with similar operating system errors that no amount of patches seem to overcome.  He just turned the partially installed kitchen into a complete sawdust covered disaster.  Because of course heaven forbid that he walk 3 feet and do the cutting that he has to do outside.  Oh well, I have told him to have good fun cleaning everything up all night, as I refuse to do it.  Some days I wonder what value the male species add, other than the obvious 2 (carrying heavy objects and opening jars). (Ha I know you were thinking something else!)

Cheers from the once more sawdust covered apartment from hell.  (Charming, isn't it?)

Back in they go

9 out and 2 mediocre embryos back in.  Which, btw, was a complete no-brainer.  Didn't feel a thing and was out of there in 10 minutes.  My man missed the whole thing because he was trying to find a parking spot for the car.

The RE wasn't too optimistic, and frankly neither am I.  Blood test is on the 23rd, or alternatively I can do a urine test on the 25th.  In the meantime there are 3 progesterone injections to administer between now and then, I opted for those vs. the vaginal inserts as there is less muss and fuss.

Guess I am now officially in the 2 week waiting period.  It's a bit weird walking around knowing there are 2 embryos sticking in ones uterus.  Ahh well, I guess I can say that I was pregnant for 2 weeks once!

Off to get some food into me, drove back from Beligum in yet another snow storm.  Next time I should do this in Florida or somewhere else that is warm!

Phew - They're OUTTA THERE!!!

To make a long story short, I have been relieved of 9 eggs.  Which, given the ups and downs and negativity of the RE is nothing short of amazing in my eyes.  Now I know that only some of them will fertilize, but at least they have them and now everything is out of my hands! 

The procedure was completely painless....heck I go through more discomfort with a cosmetic procedure than I did with this (a Brazilian for example is a 10 on a pain scale compared with the 0 that an ER is).  Now afterwards, yep, it hurt.  But I asked for drugs as soon as the first pain waves hit and then all was well again within about 45 minutes.  I am no believer in stoicism.  My motto is "better living through chemicals".   Might pop another one before bed, but based on my progress so far I am hoping that in the morning I will be as right as rain!

Interestingly, they asked my man to gown up and come in to watch the retrieval while I was off emptying my bladder.  Needless to say I put an abrupt stop to that as I shuffled past my little cubicle on my way back from the bathroom and towards the OR room and saw him putting on a surgical gown.  I mean REALLY now.  Who the heck wants to have sex with a woman after he has seen her straddled in an ob-gyn chair with stuff being shoved up her vagina and blood being extracted into test tubes.  Good grief!    I am after all hoping to get laid after this for god's sake; life does go on!  In fact the sperm into the jar thing really got me going this morning, hope the doctor that did the retrieval didn't notice.

A funny thing about the sperm in the jar - we "did it" in the hotel room (the rooms in the hospital are rather scary tbh - exactly like you would imagine) and then rode the elevator out of the hotel with him holding the jar against his stomach to keep it warm (apparently this is key those swimmers don't like this crap European weather any more than I do).  As people piled on the elevator on each floor (our room was on the top floor) wishing us a cheery good morning (or so I think since it was in whatever language they speak in Belgium) I couldn't even look him in the eye (nor he me as he later confessed) because I thought I would start laughing uncontrollable.  If only they all knew what they were riding the elevator with!

Anyways the next hurdle, # fertilized, is tomorrow.  I can call the lab at 11am.  Cross your fingers for me that it will be 5 or 6 so that I can have a big fight with him about how many we put back in (tentatively scheduled for Thursday).  Would be a nice thing to be able to fight about.  Arguing about names (Anglo vs. weird European) would be another great thing to fight about.

The best part about all of this too is that the worst is behind us....at least from a physical perspective.  Let's see if I will be able to be as sanguine on the emotional front...that bit has me a bit leery!

Cheers and greetings from snowy cold Europe!

Could this just end PLEASE

@#*($^*&#(@)$(  Sorry, but enough is enough already.  If I have to drive to Belgium in one more raging snow storm I think I will freak.  Heck, I get less snow in North America than I have seen here, and I live in the snowbelt.  In comparison to worrying about dying on the Autobahn the IVF has become secondary.  Maybe this is the right strategy, since I am distracted from the lousiness of my cycle.

On Saturday we did the drive back, only to find out nothing (!!) had happened (no growth, no additional follicles), even after upping things to 300.  Helllooooooo?   So we got the lovely news that we had to drive back on Sunday for yet another ultrasound.  Which we did, in yet another raging blizzard.  Luckily my man did the driving, I had had enough at that point.  Nothing like spending your whole weekend in a car for two 15 minute Doctor appointments, ridiculous.  However on Sunday they concluded that I could trigger Sunday night, and that the ER would be on Tuesday morning.  So, back again late tonight, and then staying in a hotel, which I have yet to track down.  Joy joy joy.

Plus now I have ER to look forward to.  Wonder how many eggs they'll get.  Wondering how painful this will be.  Ahhh, the joys.

Can't wait until this is done and I never have to go to Belgium again!  Nothing against Belgium, but...   :-)

Happy Trails

Ok, sorry but 9 (!) hours of driving through a blinding snowstorm that crippled much of Europe yesterday for a 15 minute ultrasound appointment does not seem to be a good return on my time/money/nerves.  Luckily, notwithstanding windshield wiper spray nozzles that froze up and crashing fatigue (more about that later) I managed to do the whole trip without injuring myself or anyone else.   Thank goodness I had my appointment to get my new winter tires put on this morning, I think I am going to need them at this rate!

The real news however is that this chicken still (!!!) isn't ready to hatch.  I am up to 13 follicles, a lining of whatever that is thick enough for whatever (forget to ask about that yet again!) and diameters ranging from 15mm - 19mm.  I have to go back tomorrow for yet another ultrasound (I am REALLY getting sick of that drive to Belgium, but at least tomorrow is Saturday so my man will be coming with me and doing the driving too).  They think egg retrieval will be on Monday, and whatever fertilizes will get shoved back in on Thursday.

In the meantime my Gonadal F has been upped to 300 for what the doctor is hoping are the last 2 nights of injections (I will find out tomorrow for sure if Saturday is a go).   We did the 300 for the first time last night, and I don't know if I had a bug or what the issue was, but I ended up half the night sick as a dog.  Charming.  Luckily my man slept through the whole thing.  

Cross your fingers for me that we get the green light on Saturday, this driving is really getting tedious and I would just like to get the show on the road at this point!

Cheers

Renee D.

The Beat Goes On....

Lots of fun and frolic yesterday.  258km each way to Belgium in a blazing snowstorm of sufficient intensity to make even a hearty North American drive carefully. I am SO glad that I bought an environmentally unfriendly SUV to drive over here though, wouldn't have wanted to attempt it in anything less!  Watched several cars wipe out into the ditches and guard rails in front of me, but I just motored on, slow and steady, listening to my tunes and munching on chocolate (stayed off the cellphone though, it was that bad!). 

After having the weekend to sleep on it I was prepared for the clinic's recommendation re: packing it in.  However yesterday's ultrasound showed some improvement over the weekend and my regular RE has decided that we should soldier on, obviously she is a bit more open minded than the team on Friday.  She said it is not that unusual for things to pick up later in a stimulation with "older" (I am really getting tired of hearing that phrase) women, and she was hoping that would be the case for me.  So after all that it looks like my body decided to pull it out of a hat in the 11th hour, probably because it knew I wasn't going to take any BS from it and had no qualms about shutting everything down if it didn't cooperate. 

Right now I am up to 11 follicles (she would like to have 15 but is still hopeful that I will hit that number) and they are between 13-14mm in size (better than the  <10mm from Friday), smaller than she wants for this stage, but she thinks that I will get close enough to attempt an egg retrieval (hmmmm...what does that mean I wonder? Fish around my sensitive innards with a needle and hope they can nab a few...hmmm that sounds like a pleasant exercise!).    Tentative egg retrieval is therefore planned for this weekend assuming my ultrasound on Thursday shows continued progress, else she warned me everything might get cancelled, in which case she said I should try again in the new year with a different drug mix.  We'll see if I feel like it.  At that point I will be 43 and frankly one needs to be realistic about this whole process at my age.  And anyways I don't believe in playing a losing game, life is too short.   Having said that I think that the insights I have gained into this process make it clear that one must be open to several attempts.  

As for symptoms, I feel fine.  A bit tired, and very mildly sore in my sides, but no big deal.  In fact if I hadn't been told not to and there weren't so much darn snow around, I would strap on my running shoes and pound out 10k to get some fresh air and to move this rather sedentary body. The one thing I have noticed is that I have been losing weight throughout this process....odd, especially since I have a BMI of 18 so there isn't much to spare.  I'll have to ask about that on Thursday, I guess it must be the drugs, because I am certainly indulging in my fair share of lovely European chocolate and other treats so it can't be any shortcomings at the consumption end of things!

Hope you are all having a great time and enjoying the lack of snow at your end, lucky lucky!

End of the Road?

Big sigh.  What an awful expenditure of time, energy, money and emotions for a big fat nada.

I had my first ultrasound today, after 6 shots of Gonal F 225.   Getting there was a joy in and of itself.  It decided to snow/be foggy/be sleety and rain today in Europe as I happily made my way through various countries on an Autobahn full of nutbars to get to Belgium.   I even honked at one jerk who decided to pull out in front of me as I was sailing along at 180 km/hour, without even a wee signal.  Oh well, I made it there and back in one piece, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time, and I consider myself to be a very experienced and, for North American standards, assertive driver.

My normal RE wasn't there, so I got another doctor who seemed nice enough, but was very non-committal.  To make a long story short, the results suck big time as far as I can tell.  Only 8 follicles across 2 ovaries and everything was less than 10mm.  My lining of whatever-the-heck (couldn't understand the doctor) was 5.5mm.  The nurse said she was sorry.  The doctor didn't say much of anything, other than it was still early days.  He did however say I would probably only have to come back another 2 times, which I took as a sign that he probably thinks the whole thing will be shut down next week.  He also didn't adjust any meds, which I found odd, and another indication that he has sussed this as a losing game.

Anyways, I guess that's that.  Assuming the stuff that is in there even grows to a respectable size (which at this rate seems unlikely), half of 8 is 4 (i.e. 4 eggs), and half of 4 is 2 (i.e. number fertilized) and, frankly, with those numbers the odds of having anything to put in there seem very low and thus not worth the bother.  So after all that, I think the baby just got tossed out with the bathwater. 

I am back on Monday for another ultrasound with my normal RE (oh joy joy another 6 hours on the Autobahn), and I am going to tell her I am finished with the whole thing unless she can offer a very compelling fact-based reason to continue.  Because I am a firm believer in accepting the facts and moving on, rather than beating my head against a large uncomfortable rock repeatedly hoping that this action will somehow miraculously bring about a change of some sort.

Time to contemplate Plan B....job, toys, dog. And ditching the man, since he needs to be free to find someone young and fertile.  What a life.  Guess better me than someone else though, since I seem good at taking knocks.

Cheers and a good weekend to you all!

Renee

What the??!??

Ummm...I think something is wrong.   And no, unlike my partner I am not inclined to be the neurotic type, but even an eternal optimist like myself has to wake up and smell the coffee.  I am on Day 9 (I think?) of needles and I feel nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nyet.  My energy levels are fine.  My ovaries feel like they aren't even there.  I am not bloated.  I am not moody. I am not tired. I am happy, perky, busy and, well, not feeling like I am growing 10 or more follicles down there. What the???!!!!

My first ultrasound is tomorrow.  Not looking forward to that 3+ hour drive to Belgium on my own, and they are also calling for snow.  Yeay, not. I am very curious to see what they will say.  They did warn me that they could adjust my drugs at that point. So maybe they are going to take me from 225 of the Gonal F up to the max.  Since, after all, I am an old lady!  :-)

And here I was worried about possible hyperstimulation (because I have no medical coverage for a hospital stay related to IVF complications).  Ha!  Famous last words!

 Stay tuned for tomorrow's update, I suspect that will be the key one.  If they do end up pulling me due to lack of response, I already have my plan B lined up....manicure, pedicure, facial, massage and a nice glass of local wine!  I have always thought that it helps to have something to look forward too, no matter what curves life throws ones way!

Bye for now!

Fixed It?

I think I have come up with an unscientific solution to ovary pain.  Namely to down a huge protein shake.  After doing that last night I did an awful lot of peeing (sorry for the graphics folks), lost 2 pounds instantly and this morning my ovaries feel just fine.  Actually, to be more specific, they feel like nothing because I don't feel them. I am hoping this is a good thing, and not a sign that something has gone wrong.  I am at the clinic for an ultrasound on Friday morning, so in any event I will know soon enough.  It's funny how you become hypersensitive to your body during this process!

I also ended up with my first belly bruise yesterday, my man clipped the needle under my skin while he was pulling it out and ended up ripping it (the skin), I could actually hear it and yes it was very GROSS.  The good news is I only have tonight and tomorrow left to go on the nasty needle...after that, it's just the easy-peasy pen needle, yeay!  :-)

Hard to believe that they might actually be doing the egg retrieval next week, wow.  Guess I had better have some extra sex just in case they start the abstinence period on the weekend!  :-)

Spoke Too Soon?

Oops, that's what I get for being cocky!  Woke up this morning and it feels like someone has taken a fist and jammed one into my abdomen on each side above the hip bone and is happily holding it there, irrespective of what position I get into.  I guess this is what swelling ovaries trying to grow multiple eggs at the same time feels like.   Hmmmmm.  And I have only had 2 of these Gonal F shots so far, with at least another 8 to go, unless at the Friday ultrasound they decide to call it a day and move to the trigger shot.  Double hmmmmm.  Might even call the clinic about this.   I just PRAY that I don't get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, because I am in Europe with nothing but travel insurance so it will cost me a cool 1,000 Euros per day if I have to be hospitalized, or at least that is what the clinic in Belgium has told me.  However they also told me that a woman as old as I (harumph...no comment!) is not at risk of it. Plus they put me on a medium, not a high dose, of the Gonal F which I guess should help to ensure that I don't get it.  [So maybe not THAT old after all though ha ha? :-) ]    I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is all normal, and just a sign of happily growing eggs!

On the not so positive front we spent all weekend working on our condo and all we accomplished was to install 3 drawers into one of the kitchen cabinets.  Unbelievable.  Apparently there is something weird about the electricity here, such that we couldn't hook up the wall oven, nor install an overhead light in the kitchen.  And it wasn't for lack of trying, we spent hours fiddling with it (well he did - my job was to flip fuses up and down on the fuse box).  And btw it's not like we are camping out in an inexpensive place, it is actually a very pricey penthouse in a good neighbourhood in a big city, so, tbh, North American standards aside (I have been told we North Americans are very demanding), I would expect to be able to hook up an oven and hang a few lights.  I have been able to plead ignorance on the topic of European electricity and thus my man is in charge of chasing the owner and getting this sorted. I have just told him that we aren't doing a damn thing that is fun until this apartment is done.  Not exactly contributing to positive relationship karma, but on the off chance that I get pregnant I am not messing about for the next 6 months dealing with getting an apartment sorted out.

On top of that my job interview process is making demands on my time too, because at my level it means you aren't really interviewing for a job, but creating one.  So to add to my joyous long list of things to do (like waiting for the dryer to be delivered today - a long fought battle with my man let me tell you!!, doing some work for one of my other clients that I took on as a huge favour which I am now regretting, trying to figure out how to get my car serviced and getting my winter tires installed - please please please don't snow) I have to put together a business case for them and then meet with them again to review it and figure out next steps.   Which all begs the question of whether or not this is really the best time to get on the bandwagon of working like a nutbar again.  Then again if the IVF doesn't work it will keep me busy and I suppose I can always find something to do with the money.  Like buy a dog and get a cleaning lady!  :-)

Time to take my aching ovaries and make a cup of tea and get down to work!  Have a good one everybody!

Part 2!

Added the 2nd drug yesterday, Gonadotropin (or some such) at a medium dose of 225.  It comes in a preloaded pen with a very fine needle - what a difference that makes!!! Didn't feel a thing tbh.  Glad this is the one that I have to take for 2 weeks, rather than the other stuff that has to be mixed up etc. and where the needle is definitely fatter!   The good news is that so far I have no bruising on my stomach, so clearly my man has a deft touch with a needle.  Makes one wonder what he did in his past life!   :-)

He also had to take a single dose of antibiotics yesterday....which he bitched and moaned about.  Kind of funny tbh given what I have to go through.  Men!

So far I am also not really experiencing any symptoms that I can pinpoint.  Ok admittedly I am a bit bitchy but that could be jet lag and dealing with a poorly coordinated move.  And it isn't anything over the top that I can't mask, at least so far.  We'll see once I get further into this second drug.  The great news is the first drug is only for 7 days, so I am already at the halfway point with it.  Hell, I am at the halfway point for the whole process come to think of it! 

Now it's time to get back to my boxes!  Let's hope that the rest of this is as smooth sailing as this first bit has been!

In She Goes!

As we were driving around last night running errands (ahhh the joys of moving...one gets to buy such exciting things...like toilet brushes for example) a thought occurred to me....uh...duh....wasn't I supposed to start shooting needles into me that evening?  With that possibility in mind (since neither of us were entirely sure) we decided to forgo stopping off for a drink (tea for me of course) and head home to wade through pages of instructions in Flemish.  Which neither of us speak/read btw.  Luckily there were pictures.  And luckily my man has some paramedic training and is fairly comfortable with a needle.  Because tbh my contribution to the whole process was the following. 

Me:  SQUEAL OMIGOD are you going to stick that huge thing into me (needle folks, needle...!)??!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: No, relax, that's just to transfer stuff from this ampule to the other one and mix it. 
Me:  OMIGOD I can't look.
Him: Just be quiet and stop wriggling or it will hurt more.

Yup.  I must say if I had to do this on my own it would not be happening. Or I would hire a nurse to come by every evening. 

Anyways the needle went in fine, and this morning I had no noticeable side effects (not even a bruise), other than a wee bit of a headache, which went away quite quickly and could have been completely unrelated.  I did however get a nasty itchy rash from....drum roll please....the disinfecting alcohol swab.  Go figure. Won't be using quite so much of that the next time (think I might have overdone it a wee bit).

Tonight we do it all over again, and I think tomorrow night we add a 2nd needle to the mix.  Ahhh, the joys.  But at least the second one is pre-loaded.  However I am STILL not giving it to myself.  That's his job.  Actually I think he takes secret sadistic pleasure in doing it.  He who holds the needle wields the power it would appear!

The fun continues.  If it results in a child all I can say is that it had bloody well better appreciate what I had to go through for it!!!!  :-)   Although of course I know it won't give a dang...but still....!

Here we go!

What a whirlwind couple of days!   I am now safe and sound in Europe, and am somewhat settled.  However a man left to his own devices in handling a move is a very dangerous thing, and beyond that I will say no more.  Luckily, as always, every woman worth her salt is capable of saving the day!  I wonder if the entire male species suffers from some sort of genetic defect when it comes to getting things organized and executing effectively since my prior one also struggled with handling moves. Oh well, big sigh, deep breath.

I headed over to the clinic in Belgium yesterday.  Hmmmmmm.  It is in a teaching hospital, and frankly the place was a dump.  However I am not going to get myself worked up over that, hopefully they know what they are doing and I'll just have to ignore the cosmetics.  The RE seemed ok, but then again how can one really tell from a 15 minute interview?  The weird bit is that they only have me on 2 drugs, followed by 1 additional shot of something just before egg retrieval, and then some progesterone.  For some reason I was expecting to be taking far more drugs.  Odd.  I am going to match up what they have prescribed me to what my clinic in North America recommended to see what the differences in the drugs are.  They did however say that when I go in for my first ultrasound on November 26th, that they might adjust my meds then.  Not, however, that I am complaining or anything, hell no!  2 needles a day is plenty for me thank you very much.  Good thing my man is in charge of that, it is definitely NOT my thing.  But I have my trusty Emla with me, perhaps that will lessen the impact somewhat. 

Yesterday was my last day on the BCP (yeay - am NOT going to miss that!) and on Thursday the needles start.   I am very curious as to how I am going to be feeling once they kick in, that's for sure.  The good news however is that the RE noticed a number of follicles when she did my ultrasound, so hopefully this will be a good run.

Off to bed now, it was one heck of a unpacking/cleaning day today!

Day 24: Inching Closer!

I fly out on Thursday.  As in 4 days from now I will hopefully snoozing on the plane.  I can't believe everything that needs to happen between now and then.  But because I am so loaded up on all other fronts I am strangely calm about this whole IVF thing.  Probably because I am trying to pack up my entire home so that once it goes on the market and sells (hopefully!) everything is ready for the shippers and I don't have to fly back potentially pregnant and feeling lousy and unable to lift heavy things in order to pack it all then.  Only I could be so crazy as to get my home ready for sale, do a full overseas shipping packing process, sign myself up for a job interview as soon as I arrive (what was I thinking?!?) and ship my little animal companion to boot (which I can assure you is a process in and of itself!).   

Well, other than the fact that I can't seem to sleep through the night properly which I am assuming is a sign of stress, at least I am not dwelling on the IVF.  I wonder if general stress interferes with IVF, or just stress about getting pregnant.  If the former, I am toast.  If the latter, well, I don't even have time to think about that until I go to my first appointment at the clinic on November 15th.   And even then I won't have much time to think about it, as I will be dealing with unpacking everything in the new place that my European man has been more or less busily (ahem) focused on setting up. 

Now is probably about the time that I need some serious yoga, a massage or a meditation session or two, except I simply don't have the time.   Well, nix that, I do in fact have a facial booked for tomorrow morning, haven't had one of those in ages so it will be a very nice treat!  Then it will be back to my boxes.  Joy joy.

Day 21: It's All Good!

HA!  Well that was the most embarrassing email I have had to write in a long time....'erm, I am not married to my partner, erm, is this a problem?'  Anyways, apparently not.  Phew (she wipes brow).  Almost had me worried there for a minute!  :-)   I am sure the nurse at the clinic must think I am a complete nutbar!

A week from today I will be airborne on my way to Europe....that's 7 days.   And probably about 21 days worth of things I need to get done before then.  Oh my.

Day 20: OMG - Something Just Dawned on Me!!!!!

You know when you think you have everything under control?  And things are going along swimmingly.  And then suddenly, out of the blue (wham!) something occurs to you?  And it's like..oh sugar...didn't think of that...uh oh!!!!!

I just had one of those moments while rereading the emails from the IVF clinic.  Which all reference the various things that are expected of me and my husband during the IVF period.  And, well, I guess I have a mental block against the word "husband" so when I see it, it mysteriously vanishes from both the page and from my consciousness.  Except it just finally occurred to me that, well, what if they won't do this procedure if I am not legally married?  At least, not to the man that is contributing the other part of the equation?  In fact married to quite another man altogether, from whom the divorce, after various screwups on the part of lawyers and courts, still remains in limbo-land?  (But will hopefully be resolved by the end of the year.)  Oh my. 

Well, off to write a rather awkward email to the clinic to see what they have to say about my moral lassitude.  Although I always thought the Europeans were more, erm, advanced, in these matters, and didn't get hung up on a piece of paper.  After all if I didn't have the barn doors tightly locked shut, what is the difference between me doing this, vs. me going to a bar, having a few drinks, taking the cute 27-year old home with me and having my way with him, and then....ooops look what Santa gave me for Christmas?

Ok enough said, better get to it.   How embarrassing at my age.  The things we do.

Day 18 - Very Very Crabby

Well all I can say is clearly the BCP and I don't agree.  On just about anything.  Boy am I ever cranky.  Almost like having permanent big-time PMS.  Good thing the European man is across the pond.  And that there is enough of a time change that with some adept technology avoidance I can spare him of my crabbiness.  Now if I was Lucy,  drinking some OJ might help.  Maybe I should give it a shot.  Remind me again why I am doing this?  :-)

Day 17: Lift-Off Inches Closer!

Sunday night...Happy Halloween!  I must admit I celebrated last night instead of this evening, which meant that today was a bit, ahh, rough.  But no drinking, nope, I was very well behaved on that front, can't pickle those darn eggs (maybe that's what they need though - a nice stiff drink!).  But still, when you get to be my ripe old age, even staying out late is enough to throw you off kilter...especially when, after 4 hours sleep, ones' favourite animal kingdom companion decides that it is time for mummy to haul her butt out of bed, and damn the torpedoes!  The great news however is that in the course of my evening, and notwithstanding the fact that I was out on the town with a good buddy of mine, I was hit on by a 27-year old.  Who almost fell off his bar stool when I assured him that I was just about old enough to be his mother and that perhaps he should go and play with someone closer to his own age.  I guess the alcohol was blinding him, but I am studiously ignorning that obvious reality and instead taking his actions as a good sign that maybe, just maybe, my eggs are a bit younger than their chronological age as well. 

The big countdown is definitely on now...I get on that plane a week Thursday.  Will be interested to see how many all nighters I have to pull to be able to get myself organized to get over to Europe; am already getting a bit panicked about it now.  Apparently my man is also having similar thoughts, but more along the lines of "hmmm will the apartment be ready".  Which it had better be or I am going to be ticked, as I have no time to deal with him not having a kitchen installed and ready to go, on top of unpacking (he says that is "my job"...I wonder if he would like to haul his cute European butt over to my side of the pond then and deal with what I have on my plate), organizing, getting my bearings in a new town, new country, new language etc., taking a day to spend at the fertility clinic, and then prepping for my job interview.  Oh, and of course starting the IVF, assuming I get the green light. 

However so far so good.  BCP is still being taken with fanatical regularity, it's still making me feel a bit seasick (but very tolerable), and the zits are still there.  So hopefully that means all is well. 2 weeks tomorrow and I will know if they will proceed with the IVF, and what my protocol is going to be.  Wow wow wow.  By mid-December I could be pregnant.  Or buying a dog!  :-)

Day 13: Doubts

It could be hormones from this hyper-charged BCP.  It could be the stress of moving myself, my little creature and not much of my stuff halfway around the world to a place where, let's call an ace an ace and a spade a spade, the folks just aren't like us North Americans and no matter how you try to play it, it's not home.  Or maybe it's getting my house ready for the January real estate market, which means selling off an awful lot of things that have many warm memories and being hit with the realization that I am slowly but surely breaking all the ties to my current life.  In any event I am getting serious cold feet about whether I should be doing this with my partner or just going the sperm donor route.  Or shelving the whole thing and taking my new pared-down life and doing something very radical, like hanging out in an ashram for a year or heading to a beach with wifi and finally writing that book.    But on the other hand, when I tap into my intuition, I am filled with calm and it says "carry on McDuff, there is a master plan and you are on track towards fulfilling your destiny".  I just hope my intuition knows what it is doing these days.  

Decisions decisions. I've come an awfully long way to change direction now, but of course if it is the right thing to do, I am no shrinking violet when it comes to doing the right thing and making tough decisions, even if it is at the 11th hour.

Hope you are all having a much better day than me!  :-)

Day 11: It's Getting Real - Appointment Confirmation!

Received my appointment confirmation from the Belgium clinic today with details regarding the time and the exact location...we're getting down to the short strokes now!  Exactly 3 weeks from today I have my kick-off meeting with "the Professor" (yes, that's what they call the RE, must be a European thing; then again the clinic is part of a hospital so maybe it is related to their teaching duties there) and they run the final checks to make sure that all systems are go to start the drugs!  Which means 3 days after that it will be needles, needles and more needles...not exactly my idea of a good time, but a necessary evil I suppose!  I received a great tip from the message board that I have been hanging out on lately, name to use Emla to numb the pain of the intramuscular injections.  I am a HUGE fan of Emla for bikini line electrolysis (you feel NO pain, really!) so I am definitely buying the biggest tube I can find and bringing it with me, because who knows whether or not they have an equivalent in Europe and after all, why suffer, life is short!

On a less-positive note, I am starting to get the dreaded zits from the BCP.  At my age too!  Oh well, maybe that will convince my eggs to act more teenager-like, which, for this exercise, would be a good thing.  :-)

Day 10: How Many Attempts at IVF

The great embryo debate has been very interesting...and as I think about it, sitting here on a rainy Sunday morning looking out over the city and reading the paper (guess that will be a challenge in Europe, but I can always read the paper online thank goodness) it is also a debate that is very much tied to how often one wants to attempt IVF. 

The magic number of attempts in my head when I started this was "3".  Not sure where it came from, other than perhaps that my North American RE told me that my odds are 30% per attempt (which I now upon further research think is massively unrealistic and the number is more like 10%)...thus in my somewhat lacking in statistical methodology conclusion I said, "ok 3x it is".  Actually I think what is really behind that is that assuming there is a 3 month break between each attempt, 3x leaves me at almost 44.  At which point I realistically have to pack it in and say that my geriatric eggs just aren't up to the job.   And go on a nice trip.  Or get a job and step back onto the consumerist bandwagon (nasty).  Or pack up my beloved pet and head to some part of the world where my skills can make a difference.  We'll see.  There are after all so many ways to structure a life beyond having children, and I think it is so important to stay balanced during this process and not lose perspective on the bigger picture.  In fact my biggest fear is that I will turn into one of those obsessed ART people that just can't let it go when the universe sends what to me seems to be a very clear signal that nope, non, nyet, nada, nein it is not to be. Which leads me more and more to think maybe I will only do this once, in December.  And if it is meant to be, it is meant to be.  And if not, I will move on and chalk it up to another one of life's learning experiences.

Hmmmmm.....something to ponder as I vacuum and dust and do laundry today!

Happy Sunday everyone!

Day 7: The Great Embryo Debate

Well it looks like folks think more is better, at least when you are old and have lousy eggs (well who knows, but I am going to assume they are lousy because I am old).

Having read some responses to my post on the IVF.ca message board, I am inclined to throw in 4....more than that would make me a wee bit edgy I think.  And I must admit I secretly think that (healthy) twins would be cool.  So much fun in fact!  Although I would take any number of wee ones, so long as they were healthy (there's that word again).   And of course who is to say I'll even get 4 to toss in there....but I am thinking positive....    :-)

25 days and I kick off the process by finding out what my protocol is. If all is well, 3 days after that I start the drugs. Wow.  That's closer than I thought! The only scary thing is that there is an awful lot of stuff that I need to organized between now and then.  Phew, I had better get moving!

Day 6: How Many Eggs to Implant?

Wow...where is the time going?  Already Wednesday, and no end of the bottom of my To Do list in sight!  I must say, maybe deciding to move halfway around the world with my beloved pet in tow, to live with a guy that I have only known for a little over a year, in an apartment that I chose over the internet (although he took many great pics), with no real job and a rather decimated bank account...is a bit much stress (without throwing IVF into the mix).  Everything I read points to NO STRESS during IVF.   So I hope I haven't blown it right from the get-go, simply by having an inherently stressful life without even factoring in fertility issues.   Sigh.

Ok, I've just given my head a shake.  Now is not the time to worry about all of this...after all isn't worry just another form of stress? 

The big topic of the week with European man and I is....how many eggs.  (Ok, now let me add an aside here - I hope this is a problem we will be fortunate enough to have.  Because as I said previously, I think eggs are much more mysterious than anyone wants to admit.  And if I may be so bold....I don't think the doctors have a darn clue.  Truly.)  So the question is, an old dame like me produces, through purely artificial means, a heap-o-eggs.  Which then get sucked out via a needle (la-la-la-la hands over ears eyes squeezed tightly shut I am not listening I cannot see I don't want to know) and then my man's swimmers do their thing.  So pretend they suck out 15 (fat chance although when they checked me in May I did have 21 follicles, but apparently a follicle doesn't mean there is an egg) and then the swimmers have sex with them them and somehow 7 embryos (or whatever you call them) grow (I hope I am getting this right...because, as I said in a prior post, after the sex bit I get somewhat fuzzy on the details regarding human reproduction).  And let's pretend all 7 do turn into good nice embryo thingies (ok we are now in fairy tale land but for the sake of argument, let's pretend - and of course don't forget that no one really has a clue as to what the characteristics of a "nice" embryo are, or I suspect the IVF stats would be WAY better).  Of those 7, because the doctors tell me I am an OLD dame of 42 (listen here boys, I AM NOT OLD) they can legally, at least in the IVF clinic where I am getting this done, take a turkey baster and shove in as many as I and my man would like.   After which it becomes a genetic, a uterus lining and a who-knows-what-else crapshoot as to which ones "stick". 

So my initial response is...ok....so I have 7...and I am an old dame...and this is not cheap....just stick em all where the sun don't shine and let's see what happens.

Nope.  Wrong answer.

Because, as I have now been informed, there are all sorts of Horrid Nasty things that happen if you have more than one child at one time in the same body, particularly if you are an Old Dame.  Don't get me started on what they are....I get a headache just thinking about it.    So what to do?  Shove in 1 and take the ultimate gamble?  Shove in 2 and maybe get one?  Or two?  (Ok two is good, I can handle twins....I think? famous last words?)  Shove in 3 and get all 3 and horrid diseases and chaos and mayhem and bankruptcy?  Shove in 4 and...well...I don't think I have enough real estate to fit 4 and as for the rest, not even going there, more la-la-la hands over eyes etc.. Or, of course the big white elephant in the room....shove in whatever, and get nada.  Ok..not going there..not going there...

I think analytical risk-adverse European man put it best, in his genuine and very endearing Terminator accent:

"If ve haf vone....dat is ok but hafing an only child iz stewpid.  If ve haf two...dat iz best but you are to skinny for 2 vere vill you put them?  If ve half zree...well zis is not good but ve vill make do...somehow.   If you tell me ve are hafing 4....I AM GONNA BE PISSED".

So I guess 4 is out.   I am for 3 eggs, he is for 2.  I am figuring I have one shot at this....so go large.  But having said that I have zero interest in being the worlds next octomom.  Or having a, as the doctor euphemistically put it, "selective reduction" (ok let's call it like it is folks...going in there, playing big CEO in the sky and offing one and risking the others while you are at it) which is just SO not something I would want to have to deal with.  Not that I have a problem with what other folks do, I am pro choice all the way, but it just doesn't sit right with me for myself.  Heck, I can't even kill a spider, and I HATE those suckers and wouldn't bat an eye if they had never been invented.

So three...vs two.  And as you ALL know, any woman worth her salt always gets her way in the end...so I am thinking that assuming I can even generate 3 good ones (!?!) that's what it will be.  Heck, I might even risk 4 if I was feeling particularly wild that day.   And with my luck all 4 take, 2 split and I end up with 6.  Nope nope nope, ok back to 3.

On a completely unrelated note, the BCP has receded into the background. Even ditched the seasick wristbands last night....and it's all good. I guess it just takes a few days for ones body to acclimatize to the hit of drugs.  Just for those of you who are going through the same thing...give it a few days and it will go away.  Oh, and no moustache or zits yet either....but hey...not holding out for a miracle here, I'll take it as it comes.

Have a great evening and thanks for reading...nice to know that I am not on my own in this one!

Day 4: Ok I am not losing my mind!

What a beautiful sunny day out today...gotta love fall! 

Had a follow-up appointment today with my ob-gyn re: some surgery I had 6 weeks ago to remove a polyp in one of the lobes of my uterus....apparently it was sitting right where an egg would normally like to implant (clearly these eggs have very particular likes and dislikes!).  So out it came, and I found out today (no big surprise here) that all is well.  But much more interesting is that I found out that YES it is perfectly normal to feel this gross on this particular brand of BCP.  So it is not my vivid imagination after all!  And here I thought I was turning into a hypochondriac!

I also read some studies on melatonin and egg quality today. I am starting to get the distinct impression that one could drive oneself loco with this whole IVF process.  Q10?  Accupuncture?  Raspberry tea?  Melatonin? Other?  So I think I am going to take the path of least resistance and do nothing other than keep knocking back the Coenzyme Q10, which I have been doing for about 6 months now.   Probably a complete waste of money, but at least I can say that I tried one of the various potential remedies for stale eggs.  Actually, I did in fact try 2, acupuncture being the other one.  However I thought the acupuncturist was a rip off, close to $100 to take 5 minutes to stick in and then pull out some needles?  Then on my last appointment I started to bleed at one of the sites of the needles and that was that, I decided to pack that in.  And anyways I don't seem to have much of a stress issue (at least not related to fertility) plus I don't really have a fertility issue per se, I just have tied tubes and old eggs.  And even those eggs may be ok, as far as current medical science can tell (actually I suspect the doctors haven't really got a clue, which is why this IVF thing is such a crap shoot....someone should try to sort that out one of these days because the whole thing is grossly inefficient and tbh it feels like I am paying big bucks for a bout of medical gambling).  Or are those FSH and AMH numbers a complete waste of time too? 

European man is still busy working long days and then rushing over to the apartment to paint.  I keep pushing him to use up some of that copious vacation those Europeans get so that he isn't killing himself, but he has some sort of an issue with that.  I would of course like to think that he wants more time off for when I finally (!) arrive, but the realist in me says fat chance, he just wants to be able to bugger off on a nice trip before the end of the year.  Guess I need to break it to him that I might not be feeling so hot and therefore not in the mood for travel, plus my little animal companion will need me around to adjust when we first arrive so dumping him somewhere and taking off won't be an option, plus, minor detail, given that I haven't worked in awhile, I really need to save my funds for things like, ah, IVF and ah, rent and ah, healthy food. Men....geesh. 

But hard to believe, 4 weeks Wednesday if all goes well I will be starting the full IVF protocol, whatever that is!

Cheers!

Day 3: IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!

Hi Everyone and Happy Sunday!

Just a quick update to say - yes yes yes (cartwheels etc. of joy!!!) the "anti-travel sickness" wrist bands seem to have done the job!!!  I put them on before I went to bed....and when I woke up this morning, I felt a wee wee bit of nausea, but hardly any!  I would say it was a 95% improvement, and the 5%, well, I could live with it.  Now I did take them off after I got up because I was worried about what wearing them all day would do to my circulation, and there was a bit of an uptick in the yuckiness factor up until lunchtime, but after that it all settled down (or maybe the big travel cup of ginger tea helped?).

I wonder if they would also work during pregnancy?  Oh well, no point in even thinking about that right now, however nice to know that should my old eggs and I somehow manage to beat the odds, there is a possible solution out there.   Btw apparently it is based upon the principles of accupuncture (or was it accupressure?).  In any event, it didn't involve any drugs and was very straightforward to do....and I can't recall how much they cost since they were bought a few years ago, but I am guessing it was no more than a Starbucks (or two).

So, once again I am a fan of this simple, yet very effective device!  (and, in case anyone cares, they work great on boats and planes)

Have a good week!

PS Ok I know this is looking a bit ahead all things considered and I am trying my hardest NOT to do that in any way shape or form, but I bought 2 pregnancy test kits today, 6 in total.  Which I will be bringing with me to Europe, because who knows what I would walk out the drugstore with if I tried to buy this over there in a foreign language.  And I know I shouldn't use these to check, and should wait for the bloodwork, but frankly who am I kidding? I will no doubt use all 6.  And drive myself crazy in the process.  So there you have it.  No more secrets.  At least I am honest about my human frailties!  :-)

Day 2: Are We Having Fun Yet?

Ok...my strategy is to ignore my body and just go about my daily life pretending (read run errands like a madwoman) that I do not feel nauseous and ready to lose my breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/snack at a moment's notice.  (Remember - all I am doing is taking The Pill, which millions, no make that billions, have done before me!!  I am still convinced this is all in my mind, or else how does everyone else manage to do it?)  It seems worst when the alarm goes off, and by mid-afternoon it has receded into the background, but even so it is always there, like a dull toothache that you keep putting off going to the dentist for by just one more day, because maybe, oh maybe, it will go away on its own. 

As with all of you who are doing this IVF thing and seem to be much more resilient than me!, I am determined not to let all this medical intervention cramp my style. That said, tonight before I go to bed I am going to wear my accupressure wrist bands (usually reserved for boating and those oh-so-turbulent  Beechcraft flights...neither of which I do anymore, but good thing I am a pack rat and hung onto the bands!). I'll let you know tomorrow if they actually made a difference to this icky feeling.

The irony of all of this is not lost on me.  To be specific the irony related to all of the time and energy that I put into NOT being an unwed mother between the ages of 18 and 24.  Well, 42 is the reverse of 24 (hmmmm just noticed that...a spot of synchronicity perhaps?) and now I am putting in exponentially MORE energy, time, not to mention money and mental duress into BECOMING an unwed mother.  Oh my.  Funny how life works isn't it?   And what's really weird is I don't find it even remotely tacky or worthy of shame, whereas in my young years I would have died of embarrassment.  I kid you not!  I guess that's what maturity and stale eggs do to you.   :-)

Speaking of which, no I don't want to get married.  Just the thought of it gives me hives.  And anyways luckily it is a decision I won't have to make as....ta da...I am not divorced yet.  But not for lacking of trying.   You can thank the courts and my lawyer for various administrative screw ups that are dragging this process out unnecessarily.  Although I am now targeting the end of the year to have this whole horror officially behind me.   At which point I suppose that I could contemplate marriage, but why ruin a good thing.  Marriage just feels so passe now.  Divorce is definitely bad for one's attitude on that front!

Oh, and speaking of marriage European man continues to be very disinterested in my plight (not even one brief "hi honey how are you feeling today")...but then again I haven't said much about it to him either given yesterday's not-so-encouraging response.   I am sure his excuse will be that he is busy getting our new European apartment ready for habitation, which I secretly suspect is pushing his organizational skills to their limits (even though I wrote him a to do list...I would have done a full MS Project Plan for him but I didn't want to insult his intelligence).  And to make matters worse and truly push him over the edge (shame on me for my North American perspective but I think you will all get this) it also means acquiring a dryer.   A precondition of my stepping off that plane.  A woman can only suffer so much.  Somewhere, a line must be drawn...this far and not one step further!  Because after all I am hoping to have lots of baby clothes to wash soon, and I will not have any child of mine wearing hard-as-rock line-dried clothing, at least not in the first 6 months.  After that we'll see....  And in case you are wondering, yes I am paying for half of it (half of everything over there as a matter of fact).  Might even be generous and pay for all of it if he asks me nicely.  But let's leave him with it and see what he does..... 

:-)  Happy Saturday night to you all!

Day 1: The Pill Sucks!

Ok...I know this is going to sound really pathetic given "the best is yet to come" (i.e. the heavy duty drugs don't start for over a month yet!) but, uh, The Pill sucks.  At least for me.   I woke up this morning feeling really really green around the gills.  To which my significant other drily commented, from 1000s of miles away, "great practice for when you are pregnant".   Clearly the man needs sensitivity training.  Or maybe it's a European man thing and they are all like that? 

Anyways I am hoping it is some weird placebo effect conjured up by my vivid imagination.  And on a bright note, it got better throughout the day.  So I am crossing my fingers...because I know "I ain't seen nuthin' yet". 

I am determined to ignore all the little inconveniences and just keep putting one foot ahead of the other.   Which means all that matters is that today I am 1 step closer to the goal.

On a girlie note today I got my last North American haircut for awhile (hopefully a long while).  Because, after all, after over 20 years with the same hairdresser how can I possibly trust my locks to some European Friseur?  It would be like having an affair.  Nope, I just can't do it.  At least not yet.  I will have to work up to it.    :-)

Day 0: Lift Off - The Pill

Wow...2 posts in one day...not bad for a blogging virgin!

Anyways it all starts with taking the Pill.  Yep.  That's all I need to say and everyone knows exactly what I mean.  Which seems so weird, because I am about to do IVF.  And my odds are not that hot (they tell me 30% but that's probably on the generous side).  And my tubes are tied.  So it ah, would be kind of hard to get in a family way under the best of conditions.  But apparently the Pill stops things from growing in your ovaries so they have complete, scientific control of your egg growing process once you get to the clinic.   Which reminds me...have I mentioned that I feel like a chicken?  Or rather, like a chicken hatching facility? Sigh.

So tonight I do something I haven't done in 10 years.  Take the Pill.  Which my doctor reminds me will make my face break out, and probably grow me a moustache.  Now isn't THAT romantic....by the time I get to Europe for the IVF I might have to find me a sperm donor as my significant other may have heart failure at the zitty hairy creature that greets him at the airport.  Oh and to top it all off I was told that it will kill my sex drive too.  Which is ok because right now he is there and I am here.  It's been a long 2.5 months.  Should have maybe had my doctor put me on it sooner!  :-)  

But I admit that I am still excited, hair and zits notwithstanding, because at least the process has started.   And it feels like a long time since May when I first found out that I was OLD and that my eggs were STALE.  Or worse, expired. 

At long last we have lift-off on project Baby!

The Back Story

I guess I am just like every other statistic out there that I have been reading about lately.  And so I thought...hey...this doesn't need to be quite so lonely if I am a statistic...maybe there is another statistic out there just like me....even just 1 person to say "hey I get it"...wouldn't that be cool.  So that I wouldn't be quite so on my own on this ride...and who knows, maybe someone else who is going to take it after me will find some useful insights too.

So here goes!  Hello...and welcome to my life....at least as it is today.  And btw..this is going to be a bit long....but then I'll get short and sweet and to the point with my real time posts...I PROMISE.  Really!


It started with a relatively young marriage (well by today's standards), a lot of health issues and some tied tubes.  Because I just couldn't face having an abortion and with the medications I needed to live at the time, that would have been the only way.  I was 32.  And anyways I had a super duper career and never gave one thought to kids.  Never ever.  In fact, usually they just made me edgy and got on my nerves.  Never wanted to coo at a baby.  Or play in a sandbox (ick).  Instead I got a pet.  Loved him to death and focused on working and making money.  Then, I blew up my capital C C-level career via a spot of redundancy.  Which was ok...because my plan was to suck up my golden handcuff big money but very very nasty job situation and retire at 40 to a significantly downsized life with hopefully still a few shreds of my sanity intact..and find my happiness.  Teach a little, write a little, be kind to all of those people that I didn't have time for before while I was rushing all around the world in the pursuit of stuff and whatever else got my gourd.

As fate would have it...it all came together, partially by my own engineering....but with one minor overlooked detail.  I woke up and found out that my husband was no longer mine.  Gone.  Just like that.  While I was out making money, paying bills, renovating, taking us on vacations, yadda yadda.   Which sort of screwed up the entire plan.  Big time.   And on so many different levels. 

You all know the divorce story, I won't bother you with that stuff.  Same old, same old.  It gives me a headache just to think of it.  I pulled my own mini-version of "Eat Pray Love" (what a super book, really, even if you haven't gone through a divorce, worth reading) so that my soul wouldn't implode.  Because it was very very nasty.  Would much rather lie in major emerg sucking air through a straw then do that again.  However the universe works in very funny ways.   As in I got on my flight to Europe with a chip on my shoulders the size of, well, something really really big....a dose of attitude even bigger and...met someone.  Actually the unlucky sod sitting beside me.  Who was really just being polite, and I was, well, not really showing my best side if you know what I mean.  Now let me tell you all that I was 41 and had been with my ex for 21 years.  I couldn't have cared less about meeting someone.  In fact the plan was to stay away from men for a year, and then to see.  But...to cut to the chase....we got together.  Last October.  In Europe.  (Well I had no job and no husband, and not much of anything to tie me to North America anymore, so what the heck?)  And decided, this spring...that hey...wouldn't it be cool to have a baby.

Ok....and so here is the weirdest thing.  I didn't really "decide" to have a baby, that was a bit glib.  In fact, I think aliens sucked out my brain and stuffed it with gummi bears.  Or chocolate.  I actually all of a sudden felt this overwhelming urge right in my core (not sure really how to explain it) that I have to do this.  Just have to. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life.  Even though I never wanted to have a family.  And btw...I am a very rational analytical person.  Just in case you are wondering. 

And I have to do it with this guy.  And it has to be RIGHT NOW. 

So the journey actually began in May.  At a fertility clinic.  Where I found out that I am OLD.  Yep.  OLD.  Now at 42 I never really saw myself that way.  In fact I look much younger than my years, probably thanks to my health-related super healthy diet and my 5k run every morning.  And some....ah....artificial help if you know what I mean  :-)   (No worries, can't afford that anymore...it's au naturel from now on, hope he doesn't notice!).

They fit me in right away.  Because I was OLD.  Which is funny, because it was the first time I was ever hit with wanting something whose outcome I couldn't control.   Of course in hindsight I should have done some research and realized that at 42 I was past it.  But, well, who knew?  Tbh, I could barely remember, once the fun part was over, what happened to make a baby in the first place.  After all Grade 9 sex ed was a long long time ago.  (Yep the dear doctor had to explain a few basics to me...it was kinda embarrassing.)   They talked to me about donor eggs and adoption on that first visit.  But I pushed back a little and asked if there wasn't some test that they could run to check if I could pull it off.  Just to be on the safe side? 


Wow.  Stupid me.  Good thing I didn't realize what was involved in this "test".  Because if I did, I would have packed it in after the initial consultation.  However again the universe works in weird ways...and I found myself with a big plastic ultrasound thingie up my privates every morning for over a week.  And daily bloodwork, such that I started to look like I had a wee, ahh, extracurricular activity hobby thing going down.  Lots of long sleeves even though it was a warm spring.  Then came showtime.  Time to count the follicles.  And recount.   And then double-check my file to make sure the birthdate was right.  21 of those follicle suckers.  Low FSH (5 something? can't remember and didn't write it down).   AMH of 16.1.     So they decided that maybe I wasn't so old after all.  Maybe more like 38.  Of course I still think I am 21...I'll probably even think that when I am 93....because it's all in your head if you ask me.

Anyways.  Here I am.  It's October 14.  2010.  I will be 43 this year yet.  And in 4 weeks I am flying to Europe (the other party in the equation is there and it's WAY cheaper to do it over there, even the drugs are cheaper and since I have no job, I have no drug plan and of course separating from my ex wasn't exactly kind to my savings either if you know what I mean....btw I don't EVER want to hear a man complain about the paying aspect of a divorce..been there done it got the t-shirt) to do IVF.  So by mid December I guess I will know if it worked.  Which of course the rational analytical side of me says "nope, no way, too old....eggs are too crummy lady."   And even if it does work, then there are all of those nasty disease things that can go wrong that I have been reading so much about lately.   Plus I have known the potential dad for just over a year.  And he is there and I am here.  So really, it's more like 6 months of face time.  Cuz Skype doesn't count (but it's GREAT I love love love you Skype you have saved my sanity!).  And thus really, the rational analytical me says that I am insane and to just get over it all and get a job.  But that weird urge won't go away.  So...to every other statistic like me....who also tried...or will try...and made it...or didn't....here goes my journey. I probably don't have much to add to this story.   But like I said, if there is someone else out there about to go on this road...or been there, done it,  no matter what....a friendly "hello" would be great.  Because tbh it's kind of scary.  Like I said again...welcome!

PS I have never blogged in my life.  I had to Google it just to see how to do it.  And it took me over an hour just to get this blog set up.  So sorry if I haven't got all the glitz and glamour.  But I'll figure it out as I go.  Hopefully!  :-)