The Beat Goes On....

Lots of fun and frolic yesterday.  258km each way to Belgium in a blazing snowstorm of sufficient intensity to make even a hearty North American drive carefully. I am SO glad that I bought an environmentally unfriendly SUV to drive over here though, wouldn't have wanted to attempt it in anything less!  Watched several cars wipe out into the ditches and guard rails in front of me, but I just motored on, slow and steady, listening to my tunes and munching on chocolate (stayed off the cellphone though, it was that bad!). 

After having the weekend to sleep on it I was prepared for the clinic's recommendation re: packing it in.  However yesterday's ultrasound showed some improvement over the weekend and my regular RE has decided that we should soldier on, obviously she is a bit more open minded than the team on Friday.  She said it is not that unusual for things to pick up later in a stimulation with "older" (I am really getting tired of hearing that phrase) women, and she was hoping that would be the case for me.  So after all that it looks like my body decided to pull it out of a hat in the 11th hour, probably because it knew I wasn't going to take any BS from it and had no qualms about shutting everything down if it didn't cooperate. 

Right now I am up to 11 follicles (she would like to have 15 but is still hopeful that I will hit that number) and they are between 13-14mm in size (better than the  <10mm from Friday), smaller than she wants for this stage, but she thinks that I will get close enough to attempt an egg retrieval (hmmmm...what does that mean I wonder? Fish around my sensitive innards with a needle and hope they can nab a few...hmmm that sounds like a pleasant exercise!).    Tentative egg retrieval is therefore planned for this weekend assuming my ultrasound on Thursday shows continued progress, else she warned me everything might get cancelled, in which case she said I should try again in the new year with a different drug mix.  We'll see if I feel like it.  At that point I will be 43 and frankly one needs to be realistic about this whole process at my age.  And anyways I don't believe in playing a losing game, life is too short.   Having said that I think that the insights I have gained into this process make it clear that one must be open to several attempts.  

As for symptoms, I feel fine.  A bit tired, and very mildly sore in my sides, but no big deal.  In fact if I hadn't been told not to and there weren't so much darn snow around, I would strap on my running shoes and pound out 10k to get some fresh air and to move this rather sedentary body. The one thing I have noticed is that I have been losing weight throughout this process....odd, especially since I have a BMI of 18 so there isn't much to spare.  I'll have to ask about that on Thursday, I guess it must be the drugs, because I am certainly indulging in my fair share of lovely European chocolate and other treats so it can't be any shortcomings at the consumption end of things!

Hope you are all having a great time and enjoying the lack of snow at your end, lucky lucky!

End of the Road?

Big sigh.  What an awful expenditure of time, energy, money and emotions for a big fat nada.

I had my first ultrasound today, after 6 shots of Gonal F 225.   Getting there was a joy in and of itself.  It decided to snow/be foggy/be sleety and rain today in Europe as I happily made my way through various countries on an Autobahn full of nutbars to get to Belgium.   I even honked at one jerk who decided to pull out in front of me as I was sailing along at 180 km/hour, without even a wee signal.  Oh well, I made it there and back in one piece, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time, and I consider myself to be a very experienced and, for North American standards, assertive driver.

My normal RE wasn't there, so I got another doctor who seemed nice enough, but was very non-committal.  To make a long story short, the results suck big time as far as I can tell.  Only 8 follicles across 2 ovaries and everything was less than 10mm.  My lining of whatever-the-heck (couldn't understand the doctor) was 5.5mm.  The nurse said she was sorry.  The doctor didn't say much of anything, other than it was still early days.  He did however say I would probably only have to come back another 2 times, which I took as a sign that he probably thinks the whole thing will be shut down next week.  He also didn't adjust any meds, which I found odd, and another indication that he has sussed this as a losing game.

Anyways, I guess that's that.  Assuming the stuff that is in there even grows to a respectable size (which at this rate seems unlikely), half of 8 is 4 (i.e. 4 eggs), and half of 4 is 2 (i.e. number fertilized) and, frankly, with those numbers the odds of having anything to put in there seem very low and thus not worth the bother.  So after all that, I think the baby just got tossed out with the bathwater. 

I am back on Monday for another ultrasound with my normal RE (oh joy joy another 6 hours on the Autobahn), and I am going to tell her I am finished with the whole thing unless she can offer a very compelling fact-based reason to continue.  Because I am a firm believer in accepting the facts and moving on, rather than beating my head against a large uncomfortable rock repeatedly hoping that this action will somehow miraculously bring about a change of some sort.

Time to contemplate Plan B....job, toys, dog. And ditching the man, since he needs to be free to find someone young and fertile.  What a life.  Guess better me than someone else though, since I seem good at taking knocks.

Cheers and a good weekend to you all!

Renee

What the??!??

Ummm...I think something is wrong.   And no, unlike my partner I am not inclined to be the neurotic type, but even an eternal optimist like myself has to wake up and smell the coffee.  I am on Day 9 (I think?) of needles and I feel nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nyet.  My energy levels are fine.  My ovaries feel like they aren't even there.  I am not bloated.  I am not moody. I am not tired. I am happy, perky, busy and, well, not feeling like I am growing 10 or more follicles down there. What the???!!!!

My first ultrasound is tomorrow.  Not looking forward to that 3+ hour drive to Belgium on my own, and they are also calling for snow.  Yeay, not. I am very curious to see what they will say.  They did warn me that they could adjust my drugs at that point. So maybe they are going to take me from 225 of the Gonal F up to the max.  Since, after all, I am an old lady!  :-)

And here I was worried about possible hyperstimulation (because I have no medical coverage for a hospital stay related to IVF complications).  Ha!  Famous last words!

 Stay tuned for tomorrow's update, I suspect that will be the key one.  If they do end up pulling me due to lack of response, I already have my plan B lined up....manicure, pedicure, facial, massage and a nice glass of local wine!  I have always thought that it helps to have something to look forward too, no matter what curves life throws ones way!

Bye for now!

Fixed It?

I think I have come up with an unscientific solution to ovary pain.  Namely to down a huge protein shake.  After doing that last night I did an awful lot of peeing (sorry for the graphics folks), lost 2 pounds instantly and this morning my ovaries feel just fine.  Actually, to be more specific, they feel like nothing because I don't feel them. I am hoping this is a good thing, and not a sign that something has gone wrong.  I am at the clinic for an ultrasound on Friday morning, so in any event I will know soon enough.  It's funny how you become hypersensitive to your body during this process!

I also ended up with my first belly bruise yesterday, my man clipped the needle under my skin while he was pulling it out and ended up ripping it (the skin), I could actually hear it and yes it was very GROSS.  The good news is I only have tonight and tomorrow left to go on the nasty needle...after that, it's just the easy-peasy pen needle, yeay!  :-)

Hard to believe that they might actually be doing the egg retrieval next week, wow.  Guess I had better have some extra sex just in case they start the abstinence period on the weekend!  :-)

Spoke Too Soon?

Oops, that's what I get for being cocky!  Woke up this morning and it feels like someone has taken a fist and jammed one into my abdomen on each side above the hip bone and is happily holding it there, irrespective of what position I get into.  I guess this is what swelling ovaries trying to grow multiple eggs at the same time feels like.   Hmmmmm.  And I have only had 2 of these Gonal F shots so far, with at least another 8 to go, unless at the Friday ultrasound they decide to call it a day and move to the trigger shot.  Double hmmmmm.  Might even call the clinic about this.   I just PRAY that I don't get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, because I am in Europe with nothing but travel insurance so it will cost me a cool 1,000 Euros per day if I have to be hospitalized, or at least that is what the clinic in Belgium has told me.  However they also told me that a woman as old as I (harumph...no comment!) is not at risk of it. Plus they put me on a medium, not a high dose, of the Gonal F which I guess should help to ensure that I don't get it.  [So maybe not THAT old after all though ha ha? :-) ]    I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is all normal, and just a sign of happily growing eggs!

On the not so positive front we spent all weekend working on our condo and all we accomplished was to install 3 drawers into one of the kitchen cabinets.  Unbelievable.  Apparently there is something weird about the electricity here, such that we couldn't hook up the wall oven, nor install an overhead light in the kitchen.  And it wasn't for lack of trying, we spent hours fiddling with it (well he did - my job was to flip fuses up and down on the fuse box).  And btw it's not like we are camping out in an inexpensive place, it is actually a very pricey penthouse in a good neighbourhood in a big city, so, tbh, North American standards aside (I have been told we North Americans are very demanding), I would expect to be able to hook up an oven and hang a few lights.  I have been able to plead ignorance on the topic of European electricity and thus my man is in charge of chasing the owner and getting this sorted. I have just told him that we aren't doing a damn thing that is fun until this apartment is done.  Not exactly contributing to positive relationship karma, but on the off chance that I get pregnant I am not messing about for the next 6 months dealing with getting an apartment sorted out.

On top of that my job interview process is making demands on my time too, because at my level it means you aren't really interviewing for a job, but creating one.  So to add to my joyous long list of things to do (like waiting for the dryer to be delivered today - a long fought battle with my man let me tell you!!, doing some work for one of my other clients that I took on as a huge favour which I am now regretting, trying to figure out how to get my car serviced and getting my winter tires installed - please please please don't snow) I have to put together a business case for them and then meet with them again to review it and figure out next steps.   Which all begs the question of whether or not this is really the best time to get on the bandwagon of working like a nutbar again.  Then again if the IVF doesn't work it will keep me busy and I suppose I can always find something to do with the money.  Like buy a dog and get a cleaning lady!  :-)

Time to take my aching ovaries and make a cup of tea and get down to work!  Have a good one everybody!

Part 2!

Added the 2nd drug yesterday, Gonadotropin (or some such) at a medium dose of 225.  It comes in a preloaded pen with a very fine needle - what a difference that makes!!! Didn't feel a thing tbh.  Glad this is the one that I have to take for 2 weeks, rather than the other stuff that has to be mixed up etc. and where the needle is definitely fatter!   The good news is that so far I have no bruising on my stomach, so clearly my man has a deft touch with a needle.  Makes one wonder what he did in his past life!   :-)

He also had to take a single dose of antibiotics yesterday....which he bitched and moaned about.  Kind of funny tbh given what I have to go through.  Men!

So far I am also not really experiencing any symptoms that I can pinpoint.  Ok admittedly I am a bit bitchy but that could be jet lag and dealing with a poorly coordinated move.  And it isn't anything over the top that I can't mask, at least so far.  We'll see once I get further into this second drug.  The great news is the first drug is only for 7 days, so I am already at the halfway point with it.  Hell, I am at the halfway point for the whole process come to think of it! 

Now it's time to get back to my boxes!  Let's hope that the rest of this is as smooth sailing as this first bit has been!

In She Goes!

As we were driving around last night running errands (ahhh the joys of moving...one gets to buy such exciting things...like toilet brushes for example) a thought occurred to me....uh...duh....wasn't I supposed to start shooting needles into me that evening?  With that possibility in mind (since neither of us were entirely sure) we decided to forgo stopping off for a drink (tea for me of course) and head home to wade through pages of instructions in Flemish.  Which neither of us speak/read btw.  Luckily there were pictures.  And luckily my man has some paramedic training and is fairly comfortable with a needle.  Because tbh my contribution to the whole process was the following. 

Me:  SQUEAL OMIGOD are you going to stick that huge thing into me (needle folks, needle...!)??!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: No, relax, that's just to transfer stuff from this ampule to the other one and mix it. 
Me:  OMIGOD I can't look.
Him: Just be quiet and stop wriggling or it will hurt more.

Yup.  I must say if I had to do this on my own it would not be happening. Or I would hire a nurse to come by every evening. 

Anyways the needle went in fine, and this morning I had no noticeable side effects (not even a bruise), other than a wee bit of a headache, which went away quite quickly and could have been completely unrelated.  I did however get a nasty itchy rash from....drum roll please....the disinfecting alcohol swab.  Go figure. Won't be using quite so much of that the next time (think I might have overdone it a wee bit).

Tonight we do it all over again, and I think tomorrow night we add a 2nd needle to the mix.  Ahhh, the joys.  But at least the second one is pre-loaded.  However I am STILL not giving it to myself.  That's his job.  Actually I think he takes secret sadistic pleasure in doing it.  He who holds the needle wields the power it would appear!

The fun continues.  If it results in a child all I can say is that it had bloody well better appreciate what I had to go through for it!!!!  :-)   Although of course I know it won't give a dang...but still....!

Here we go!

What a whirlwind couple of days!   I am now safe and sound in Europe, and am somewhat settled.  However a man left to his own devices in handling a move is a very dangerous thing, and beyond that I will say no more.  Luckily, as always, every woman worth her salt is capable of saving the day!  I wonder if the entire male species suffers from some sort of genetic defect when it comes to getting things organized and executing effectively since my prior one also struggled with handling moves. Oh well, big sigh, deep breath.

I headed over to the clinic in Belgium yesterday.  Hmmmmmm.  It is in a teaching hospital, and frankly the place was a dump.  However I am not going to get myself worked up over that, hopefully they know what they are doing and I'll just have to ignore the cosmetics.  The RE seemed ok, but then again how can one really tell from a 15 minute interview?  The weird bit is that they only have me on 2 drugs, followed by 1 additional shot of something just before egg retrieval, and then some progesterone.  For some reason I was expecting to be taking far more drugs.  Odd.  I am going to match up what they have prescribed me to what my clinic in North America recommended to see what the differences in the drugs are.  They did however say that when I go in for my first ultrasound on November 26th, that they might adjust my meds then.  Not, however, that I am complaining or anything, hell no!  2 needles a day is plenty for me thank you very much.  Good thing my man is in charge of that, it is definitely NOT my thing.  But I have my trusty Emla with me, perhaps that will lessen the impact somewhat. 

Yesterday was my last day on the BCP (yeay - am NOT going to miss that!) and on Thursday the needles start.   I am very curious as to how I am going to be feeling once they kick in, that's for sure.  The good news however is that the RE noticed a number of follicles when she did my ultrasound, so hopefully this will be a good run.

Off to bed now, it was one heck of a unpacking/cleaning day today!

Day 24: Inching Closer!

I fly out on Thursday.  As in 4 days from now I will hopefully snoozing on the plane.  I can't believe everything that needs to happen between now and then.  But because I am so loaded up on all other fronts I am strangely calm about this whole IVF thing.  Probably because I am trying to pack up my entire home so that once it goes on the market and sells (hopefully!) everything is ready for the shippers and I don't have to fly back potentially pregnant and feeling lousy and unable to lift heavy things in order to pack it all then.  Only I could be so crazy as to get my home ready for sale, do a full overseas shipping packing process, sign myself up for a job interview as soon as I arrive (what was I thinking?!?) and ship my little animal companion to boot (which I can assure you is a process in and of itself!).   

Well, other than the fact that I can't seem to sleep through the night properly which I am assuming is a sign of stress, at least I am not dwelling on the IVF.  I wonder if general stress interferes with IVF, or just stress about getting pregnant.  If the former, I am toast.  If the latter, well, I don't even have time to think about that until I go to my first appointment at the clinic on November 15th.   And even then I won't have much time to think about it, as I will be dealing with unpacking everything in the new place that my European man has been more or less busily (ahem) focused on setting up. 

Now is probably about the time that I need some serious yoga, a massage or a meditation session or two, except I simply don't have the time.   Well, nix that, I do in fact have a facial booked for tomorrow morning, haven't had one of those in ages so it will be a very nice treat!  Then it will be back to my boxes.  Joy joy.

Day 21: It's All Good!

HA!  Well that was the most embarrassing email I have had to write in a long time....'erm, I am not married to my partner, erm, is this a problem?'  Anyways, apparently not.  Phew (she wipes brow).  Almost had me worried there for a minute!  :-)   I am sure the nurse at the clinic must think I am a complete nutbar!

A week from today I will be airborne on my way to Europe....that's 7 days.   And probably about 21 days worth of things I need to get done before then.  Oh my.

Day 20: OMG - Something Just Dawned on Me!!!!!

You know when you think you have everything under control?  And things are going along swimmingly.  And then suddenly, out of the blue (wham!) something occurs to you?  And it's like..oh sugar...didn't think of that...uh oh!!!!!

I just had one of those moments while rereading the emails from the IVF clinic.  Which all reference the various things that are expected of me and my husband during the IVF period.  And, well, I guess I have a mental block against the word "husband" so when I see it, it mysteriously vanishes from both the page and from my consciousness.  Except it just finally occurred to me that, well, what if they won't do this procedure if I am not legally married?  At least, not to the man that is contributing the other part of the equation?  In fact married to quite another man altogether, from whom the divorce, after various screwups on the part of lawyers and courts, still remains in limbo-land?  (But will hopefully be resolved by the end of the year.)  Oh my. 

Well, off to write a rather awkward email to the clinic to see what they have to say about my moral lassitude.  Although I always thought the Europeans were more, erm, advanced, in these matters, and didn't get hung up on a piece of paper.  After all if I didn't have the barn doors tightly locked shut, what is the difference between me doing this, vs. me going to a bar, having a few drinks, taking the cute 27-year old home with me and having my way with him, and then....ooops look what Santa gave me for Christmas?

Ok enough said, better get to it.   How embarrassing at my age.  The things we do.

Day 18 - Very Very Crabby

Well all I can say is clearly the BCP and I don't agree.  On just about anything.  Boy am I ever cranky.  Almost like having permanent big-time PMS.  Good thing the European man is across the pond.  And that there is enough of a time change that with some adept technology avoidance I can spare him of my crabbiness.  Now if I was Lucy,  drinking some OJ might help.  Maybe I should give it a shot.  Remind me again why I am doing this?  :-)