I guess I am just like every other statistic out there that I have been reading about lately. And so I thought...hey...this doesn't need to be quite so lonely if I am a statistic...maybe there is another statistic out there just like me....even just 1 person to say "hey I get it"...wouldn't that be cool. So that I wouldn't be quite so on my own on this ride...and who knows, maybe someone else who is going to take it after me will find some useful insights too.
So here goes! Hello...and welcome to my life....at least as it is today. And btw..this is going to be a bit long....but then I'll get short and sweet and to the point with my real time posts...I PROMISE. Really!
It started with a relatively young marriage (well by today's standards), a lot of health issues and some tied tubes. Because I just couldn't face having an abortion and with the medications I needed to live at the time, that would have been the only way. I was 32. And anyways I had a super duper career and never gave one thought to kids. Never ever. In fact, usually they just made me edgy and got on my nerves. Never wanted to coo at a baby. Or play in a sandbox (ick). Instead I got a pet. Loved him to death and focused on working and making money. Then, I blew up my capital C C-level career via a spot of redundancy. Which was ok...because my plan was to suck up my golden handcuff big money but very very nasty job situation and retire at 40 to a significantly downsized life with hopefully still a few shreds of my sanity intact..and find my happiness. Teach a little, write a little, be kind to all of those people that I didn't have time for before while I was rushing all around the world in the pursuit of stuff and whatever else got my gourd.
As fate would have it...it all came together, partially by my own engineering....but with one minor overlooked detail. I woke up and found out that my husband was no longer mine. Gone. Just like that. While I was out making money, paying bills, renovating, taking us on vacations, yadda yadda. Which sort of screwed up the entire plan. Big time. And on so many different levels.
You all know the divorce story, I won't bother you with that stuff. Same old, same old. It gives me a headache just to think of it. I pulled my own mini-version of "Eat Pray Love" (what a super book, really, even if you haven't gone through a divorce, worth reading) so that my soul wouldn't implode. Because it was very very nasty. Would much rather lie in major emerg sucking air through a straw then do that again. However the universe works in very funny ways. As in I got on my flight to Europe with a chip on my shoulders the size of, well, something really really big....a dose of attitude even bigger and...met someone. Actually the unlucky sod sitting beside me. Who was really just being polite, and I was, well, not really showing my best side if you know what I mean. Now let me tell you all that I was 41 and had been with my ex for 21 years. I couldn't have cared less about meeting someone. In fact the plan was to stay away from men for a year, and then to see. But...to cut to the chase....we got together. Last October. In Europe. (Well I had no job and no husband, and not much of anything to tie me to North America anymore, so what the heck?) And decided, this spring...that hey...wouldn't it be cool to have a baby.
Ok....and so here is the weirdest thing. I didn't really "decide" to have a baby, that was a bit glib. In fact, I think aliens sucked out my brain and stuffed it with gummi bears. Or chocolate. I actually all of a sudden felt this overwhelming urge right in my core (not sure really how to explain it) that I have to do this. Just have to. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life. Even though I never wanted to have a family. And btw...I am a very rational analytical person. Just in case you are wondering.
And I have to do it with this guy. And it has to be RIGHT NOW.
So the journey actually began in May. At a fertility clinic. Where I found out that I am OLD. Yep. OLD. Now at 42 I never really saw myself that way. In fact I look much younger than my years, probably thanks to my health-related super healthy diet and my 5k run every morning. And some....ah....artificial help if you know what I mean :-) (No worries, can't afford that anymore...it's au naturel from now on, hope he doesn't notice!).
They fit me in right away. Because I was OLD. Which is funny, because it was the first time I was ever hit with wanting something whose outcome I couldn't control. Of course in hindsight I should have done some research and realized that at 42 I was past it. But, well, who knew? Tbh, I could barely remember, once the fun part was over, what happened to make a baby in the first place. After all Grade 9 sex ed was a long long time ago. (Yep the dear doctor had to explain a few basics to me...it was kinda embarrassing.) They talked to me about donor eggs and adoption on that first visit. But I pushed back a little and asked if there wasn't some test that they could run to check if I could pull it off. Just to be on the safe side?
Wow. Stupid me. Good thing I didn't realize what was involved in this "test". Because if I did, I would have packed it in after the initial consultation. However again the universe works in weird ways...and I found myself with a big plastic ultrasound thingie up my privates every morning for over a week. And daily bloodwork, such that I started to look like I had a wee, ahh, extracurricular activity hobby thing going down. Lots of long sleeves even though it was a warm spring. Then came showtime. Time to count the follicles. And recount. And then double-check my file to make sure the birthdate was right. 21 of those follicle suckers. Low FSH (5 something? can't remember and didn't write it down). AMH of 16.1. So they decided that maybe I wasn't so old after all. Maybe more like 38. Of course I still think I am 21...I'll probably even think that when I am 93....because it's all in your head if you ask me.
Anyways. Here I am. It's October 14. 2010. I will be 43 this year yet. And in 4 weeks I am flying to Europe (the other party in the equation is there and it's WAY cheaper to do it over there, even the drugs are cheaper and since I have no job, I have no drug plan and of course separating from my ex wasn't exactly kind to my savings either if you know what I mean....btw I don't EVER want to hear a man complain about the paying aspect of a divorce..been there done it got the t-shirt) to do IVF. So by mid December I guess I will know if it worked. Which of course the rational analytical side of me says "nope, no way, too old....eggs are too crummy lady." And even if it does work, then there are all of those nasty disease things that can go wrong that I have been reading so much about lately. Plus I have known the potential dad for just over a year. And he is there and I am here. So really, it's more like 6 months of face time. Cuz Skype doesn't count (but it's GREAT I love love love you Skype you have saved my sanity!). And thus really, the rational analytical me says that I am insane and to just get over it all and get a job. But that weird urge won't go away. So...to every other statistic like me....who also tried...or will try...and made it...or didn't....here goes my journey. I probably don't have much to add to this story. But like I said, if there is someone else out there about to go on this road...or been there, done it, no matter what....a friendly "hello" would be great. Because tbh it's kind of scary. Like I said again...welcome!
PS I have never blogged in my life. I had to Google it just to see how to do it. And it took me over an hour just to get this blog set up. So sorry if I haven't got all the glitz and glamour. But I'll figure it out as I go. Hopefully! :-)
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