Think the Fat Lady Has Sung....

It ain't over until it's over, but in my case, I think it is now safe to conclude that the final score is Nature 1, Me 0.  Which is ok under the circumstances.  Sure as heck beats an ectopic pregnancy.  Or worse.  So all is well that ends well, and I am now able to look ahead with some certainty at last.   Thank goodness I planned everything on the assumption that the fat lady would not be singing and thus have things in motion so that I have a future that I can nevertheless look forward to, notwithstanding life's twists and turns. I really do pity some of the other women going through this who seem to have lost their grip on reality, or at a minimum, their perspective, due to their all-consuming fixation/desperation on reproducing. Luckily I did not turn into one of those, although I see how it can happen, and more easily than I would have thought.  I was also very fortunate to find a chat room buddy who was level-headed but going through the same process, that I could run things by and who helped keep it all in perspective, so a big thank-you to S.!!

Now it's onwards and forwards - new job, another car (really have to unload one at least, after all how many BMWs does a hard working career girl truly need, especially when they aren't even on the same continent as me!), knuckling down to finalize the decorating of the apartment (which includes buying a few sticks of furniture - yuck - but I know it will be worth it once it is done) and a quick trip back to North America to sort out a few practicalities.  But more importantly, my short term treats for this coming week, which include a 2-hour massage (YEAY) and a facial (MORE YEAY!). 

Still one blood test to go before I shut this all down, and of course I'll do that final update later this week.

Cheers to you all and have a great Boxing Day!

And We Keep Watching....

Just a quick update to say that I had a rough "on the couch think I have the flu" day yesterday.  Added to which was the worry about a potential ectopic pregnancy and being a bit down about having no Christmas at all this year (and then of course chiding myself because there are much worse problems in the world than mine!).  Oh well, it is always darkest before the dawn! 

The good news (I think) is that I started spotting last night.  That, combined with the faintest of lines on my HPT of this morning (in fact so faint that maybe I was imagining it?) indicating, at best, a super-tenuous positive, is leaving me hopeful that nature has come to its logical conclusion, instead of, to add insult to injury, pushing me into a situation where I need to have surgery or other nasty procedures to finish this off.  One more home pregnancy test tomorrow, and then the final bloodwork on Monday, which will hope will close this chapter off unequivocally, rather than stringing me along unnecessarily.

Might try to get out for a few hours today in the snow (not sure what else would be on offer on Xmas Day around here), except I have a crashing headache, so my motivation levels to do much are still rather low.

Cheers and stay tuned!

What a load of crapola

Did the beta today.  Which meant wandering around a large poorly labelled hospital campus in the freezing cold with icy and unshovelled sidewalks in 4 inch heels (ok I know I know, I figured there would be parking nearby but silly me forgot...this is Europe) for over an hour, until some doctor took pity on me and in broken English took me to the place that I was looking for.  Which no rational human could have found, because it was under construction and labelled as the andrology clinic (huh?...ok?). 

Anyways to make a long story short my HCG was at 16.4 and my progesterone at 11.9.  Which basically is the tail end of my last Pregnyl (hormone) shot working its way out of my system, and definitely not a pregnancy.  Although I do have to go back on Monday and they'll redo the bloodwork to see if it has gone up.  Personally I am just hoping that my period hits full force between now and then and I can call it a day.  What a waste of my life and energy this whole process has become!  And tbh I don't even care what the result is, I just want to know so that I can move on, one way or the other.  Actually after witnessing a 2 year old have a complete meltdown in a crowded store today I think I am leaning towards a negative in any event.   It is becoming very clear that at my age there are too many unknown variables in this process, and I don't feel like dealing with a pregnancy for a few months if I could even get that far, only to find out in the end that I need to have an abortion due to some chromosomal defect that doesn't become apparent until they do an amnio.  No thanks.

I'll tune in again after Monday's test for what will hopefully be The Final Chapter (or maybe sooner if Mother Nature makes things very clear via a period), but I am thinking that in the battle of Me Vs. Nature, Nature won, and good on her I say - she can have it.  I will send her my thanks as I am cruising the Autobahn in my A5 convertible and enjoying my life in other ways.  :-) 

Time to think about getting a dog...haven't ever seen one of those have a tantrum in a store!

Cheers and MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone, really, I do mean it!

PS No Xmas for us I am afraid, man is down for the count with the flu.  Drag.

One More Day to Go.....

At long last this journey is almost over!  What a relief it will be to move on from this whole process and get back to normal.  I feel like my entire life has been on hold since the decision to go ahead with this was made in the summer.  All I can say is many thanks to a good buddy of mine who told me to carry on as if I wasn't pregnant or planning on being, and to make all of my decisions on that basis.  Excellent advice!!!

Last night I caved in and slept with a sports bra...hellooooooo?    Oh well, unorthodox but it worked, I didn't get awakened once by sore boobs.  Nor did I have to rush out of bed to pee, I stayed away from a nighttime tea this time!  I am crossing my fingers (and toes) that this darn Pregnyl will have worked its way out of my system by the weekend so that the bloat starts going down and I start feeling like a human being again.  What a nasty nasty drug!

This morning's HPT was only very faintly positive, so the good news is that I am inching closer to getting this drug out of my system.  Tomorrow is beta day (wow - the 2 weeks just flew by) and then I will have closure.  I am looking forward to spoiling myself and focusing on my potential new job as well as at long last finalizing things in my new apartment.   Plus a trip back home in 2-3 weeks to try to finalize things there (heavens do I EVER miss North America!!), and then if everything comes together it will be back to the working grind after a luxurious almost 2 year break. I digress here, but working so sucks.  However this job sounds like it might actually be fun so I am keeping an open mind.

Stay tuned for the final chapter in my battle with nature, I am very intrigued by where it will have ended up!  In the meantime time to start researching a treadmill on the internet because I refuse to be a bloated beach ball for New Year's Eve festivities!

Cheers!

2 Days To Go......

....and my boobs are KILLING me.  Sorry about the TMI, but between that the bloating, I am expecting one DOOZY of a period. Just in time for Christmas.  Ho ho ho and joy joy joy to me!  :-)

But seriously...my boobs are so darn sore I can't even sleep at night anymore...every time I move, they hurt and wake me up.  Oh and the peeing.  Don't even get me started.  Think I was up 5x for that last night.  Because silly me drank a big cup of tea before going to bed, hoping that it would settle down the bloat.  Well, all it did was keep me waking up every 2 hours for a bathroom run, thus leaving me tired and cranky this morning. 

In between all the tooing and froing to the bathroom last night (Europeans don't seem to get the concept of an en suite) I also managed to fit in a dream that I got my results and they were negative.  So as much as I like to say that I am cool as a cucumber about this whole thing (other than annoyed by the never-ending minor physical discomfort) it would seem that my subconscious is dwelling on things while I am busy trying to do other things.  But that's ok, better my subconscious be busy than have me flipping out all day.  

In any event, in 2 days I will know and then all of this fun and frolic will finally be behind me and I can move on to other things.  We have already discussed doing some skiing (no lack of snow here...in fact I could ski down my urban street right now if the inclination struck me), and there are a few cities (Budapest and Vienna come to mind) that I would really like to check out before (hopefully, assuming everything works out) I jump back into the craziness of an intense job.   Which reminds me, I still have to scare up a cleaning lady.  Won't that be an interesting adventure! 

The good news is that my Christmas cookies are yummy.  So yummy that I am eating them for breakfast.  Whoops!  Maybe the bloat is actually me getting fat from all of the junk food and chocolate here.  Well, on the 23rd once my results are in I will buckle down, find a treadmill, and get my body back since at that point I won't be able to blame the drugs anymore!

Now it's time to do some work and then source some of the ingredients for Xmas dinner.  And gifts...must do that too...not sure why I have been so lackadaisical about that.  Luckily I don't have too many to do!

Cheers from the great white snowy European continent!

Getting Closer...

Hard to believe after all of this lapse time and medical intervention, that in 3 days I will have done my pregnancy blood test and be waiting by the phone for my results (or maybe even know them?).  Well, maybe I won't quite be waiting by the phone...rather, I'll be out and about doing my Xmas shopping.   Or doing the prep for Xmas dinner, as they do it on the evening of the 24th here, so I can do the sauces and dips on the 23rd without fear of giving anyone food poisoning.  Of course if my period shows up before then, I will have my answer even sooner.   Judging by the soreness of my boobs and the crampiness that I feel it is about to hit any day now.  However I did have that one afternoon of cramping around implantation time, so I haven't entirely written the whole exercise off.  So weird to invest so much time and money in something with such low odds, and then to have no symptoms to speak of that would give any indication of the outcome.  However the 2 weeks are almost up and to be honest, they sped by fairly quickly.  Before I know it this whole process will be a distant memory!

Time to go and bake some Christmas cookies now...I am woefully behind in all of my Christmas preparations, other than having put up my tree!

Cheers!

Too Early to Mean Anything, But....

Ok, I caved in and did a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT) this morning.   Actually I did it because I spent $40 on 6 of them and figured what else was I going to do with them?  I am Day 8 post transfer, and it was only a 2-day transfer, so it is FAR too early to mean anything, other than to be an indicator of the fact that medication from the IVF is still in my system.  So the fact that it came in as positive means nothing at this point.  Heck I won't even mention it to my man lest he read something into it.  But now at least I know that the tests work, and will measure every few days to watch the progress.  What I think is supposed to happen is that the positive will become fainter and fainter as the drug works its way out of your system, and then it will hit negative and either stay there or flip back to a positive if in fact one is pregnant.  I say what the hey, it will be good scientific fun to secretly spy on the doings of my reproductive system.  And anyways my blood test is next Thursday so it will give me something to amuse myself with, in between picking out flooring and furniture for the 2nd bedroom.  Oh and a desk too, can't forget that!

My cold has finally turned a corner and feels like it is improving as I didn't wake up hacking 10x during the night.  I did however wake up boiling hot at one point (I mean REALLY warm), not sure what THAT was supposed to be about.  It seems like it is always something!  I also feel a bit barfy this morning, I am really getting tired of these darn drugs and their side effects! The final needle is tomorrow night and I will be thrilled to see the last of them.  Hopefully the drug clears out of my system fairly quickly after that and I get back to normal.  Especially on the bloating front, blech.

So...the beat goes on...and on... 

Cheers and Happy Friday!

You Are Going to Be Impressed!

Ok folks.   There is ONE and only ONE reason I put myself through this unique form of torture today.  Because on the very very remote chance that I actually do register as being pregnant, I want to make sure that I have bloodwork details that give my clinic the info they need so they can advise me re: additional drugs to take.  Because I have become sufficiently jaded with this whole process that I have already assumed that on the off chance things come together, it will mean more drugs, since there seems to be nothing natural about this entire process whatsoever.  So with that in mind I bravely navigated the local yellow pages all morning in a very foreign language and, I think, have found a clinic that will do my bloodwork on December 23rd and give me the results on the same day.  I still have to call them back with some additional personal info, but at least I have a place to go to, and it is only 20 minutes or so away from here too.  Some days I must admit I manage to impress myself.  Either that or I just signed up for a enema or a lobotomy. I guess I'll find out when I get there.  Sigh.

Now with that accomplishment out of the way, I am going to take a moment to bitch and complain.  Here goes.  And thanks in advance for listening.

 I am getting heartily sick and tired of feeling bloated, crampy and just gross (yes today was an excess crampy and gassy day, sorry for the tmi).  I mean tbh I already look 5 months pregnant...and I am a skinny chick.  When on earth are all of these dratted side effects going to go away?  I tell you the first day I get my BFN I am going for a 10k jog and damn the torpedoes (and snow, and cold). And then I am doing every yoga pose in the book to expell all the excess gas in me (yes, I am almost at the point where I can compete with my man, and I tell  you that is quite an impressive accomplishment since he expels enough methane to single-handedly put a hole in the ozone layer). And after that I am putting myself on a diet.  Not that I feel fat per se, I just feel bloated...so maybe I can skip the diet. Oh, and speaking of cold, this bug I got from my man is making me miserable as well. I hacked most of last night and then was up 100x peeing because of all the water I had to drink to keep from hacking up my lungs, embryos and god knows what else that is lurking in me.   Second sigh.

So I ask once again (I know I have already asked this in at least one other post)....ARE WE HAVING FUN YET???  Someone please feel free to give me a nudge when the good part starts.

A Side Note

Just a quick note to say that nothing is happening.  At all. Feel the same other than the fact that I have managed to pick up my man's cold (germ hygiene doesn't seem to be his strong suit, notwithstanding his paramedical training).  However I am trying to hold steady and not take any drugs for it.  Not that I think this will work,  but I want to be sure that at some point I don't start second guessing things and say "hmmm could it have been the cold medication fhat I took on day 3 etc.". 

And on the topic of men, I am ready to trade mine in at this point.  Or actually forget the trade in, I think simplying junking him would be best.  Not sure I want another model, since they all seem cursed with similar operating system errors that no amount of patches seem to overcome.  He just turned the partially installed kitchen into a complete sawdust covered disaster.  Because of course heaven forbid that he walk 3 feet and do the cutting that he has to do outside.  Oh well, I have told him to have good fun cleaning everything up all night, as I refuse to do it.  Some days I wonder what value the male species add, other than the obvious 2 (carrying heavy objects and opening jars). (Ha I know you were thinking something else!)

Cheers from the once more sawdust covered apartment from hell.  (Charming, isn't it?)

Back in they go

9 out and 2 mediocre embryos back in.  Which, btw, was a complete no-brainer.  Didn't feel a thing and was out of there in 10 minutes.  My man missed the whole thing because he was trying to find a parking spot for the car.

The RE wasn't too optimistic, and frankly neither am I.  Blood test is on the 23rd, or alternatively I can do a urine test on the 25th.  In the meantime there are 3 progesterone injections to administer between now and then, I opted for those vs. the vaginal inserts as there is less muss and fuss.

Guess I am now officially in the 2 week waiting period.  It's a bit weird walking around knowing there are 2 embryos sticking in ones uterus.  Ahh well, I guess I can say that I was pregnant for 2 weeks once!

Off to get some food into me, drove back from Beligum in yet another snow storm.  Next time I should do this in Florida or somewhere else that is warm!

Phew - They're OUTTA THERE!!!

To make a long story short, I have been relieved of 9 eggs.  Which, given the ups and downs and negativity of the RE is nothing short of amazing in my eyes.  Now I know that only some of them will fertilize, but at least they have them and now everything is out of my hands! 

The procedure was completely painless....heck I go through more discomfort with a cosmetic procedure than I did with this (a Brazilian for example is a 10 on a pain scale compared with the 0 that an ER is).  Now afterwards, yep, it hurt.  But I asked for drugs as soon as the first pain waves hit and then all was well again within about 45 minutes.  I am no believer in stoicism.  My motto is "better living through chemicals".   Might pop another one before bed, but based on my progress so far I am hoping that in the morning I will be as right as rain!

Interestingly, they asked my man to gown up and come in to watch the retrieval while I was off emptying my bladder.  Needless to say I put an abrupt stop to that as I shuffled past my little cubicle on my way back from the bathroom and towards the OR room and saw him putting on a surgical gown.  I mean REALLY now.  Who the heck wants to have sex with a woman after he has seen her straddled in an ob-gyn chair with stuff being shoved up her vagina and blood being extracted into test tubes.  Good grief!    I am after all hoping to get laid after this for god's sake; life does go on!  In fact the sperm into the jar thing really got me going this morning, hope the doctor that did the retrieval didn't notice.

A funny thing about the sperm in the jar - we "did it" in the hotel room (the rooms in the hospital are rather scary tbh - exactly like you would imagine) and then rode the elevator out of the hotel with him holding the jar against his stomach to keep it warm (apparently this is key those swimmers don't like this crap European weather any more than I do).  As people piled on the elevator on each floor (our room was on the top floor) wishing us a cheery good morning (or so I think since it was in whatever language they speak in Belgium) I couldn't even look him in the eye (nor he me as he later confessed) because I thought I would start laughing uncontrollable.  If only they all knew what they were riding the elevator with!

Anyways the next hurdle, # fertilized, is tomorrow.  I can call the lab at 11am.  Cross your fingers for me that it will be 5 or 6 so that I can have a big fight with him about how many we put back in (tentatively scheduled for Thursday).  Would be a nice thing to be able to fight about.  Arguing about names (Anglo vs. weird European) would be another great thing to fight about.

The best part about all of this too is that the worst is behind us....at least from a physical perspective.  Let's see if I will be able to be as sanguine on the emotional front...that bit has me a bit leery!

Cheers and greetings from snowy cold Europe!

Could this just end PLEASE

@#*($^*&#(@)$(  Sorry, but enough is enough already.  If I have to drive to Belgium in one more raging snow storm I think I will freak.  Heck, I get less snow in North America than I have seen here, and I live in the snowbelt.  In comparison to worrying about dying on the Autobahn the IVF has become secondary.  Maybe this is the right strategy, since I am distracted from the lousiness of my cycle.

On Saturday we did the drive back, only to find out nothing (!!) had happened (no growth, no additional follicles), even after upping things to 300.  Helllooooooo?   So we got the lovely news that we had to drive back on Sunday for yet another ultrasound.  Which we did, in yet another raging blizzard.  Luckily my man did the driving, I had had enough at that point.  Nothing like spending your whole weekend in a car for two 15 minute Doctor appointments, ridiculous.  However on Sunday they concluded that I could trigger Sunday night, and that the ER would be on Tuesday morning.  So, back again late tonight, and then staying in a hotel, which I have yet to track down.  Joy joy joy.

Plus now I have ER to look forward to.  Wonder how many eggs they'll get.  Wondering how painful this will be.  Ahhh, the joys.

Can't wait until this is done and I never have to go to Belgium again!  Nothing against Belgium, but...   :-)

Happy Trails

Ok, sorry but 9 (!) hours of driving through a blinding snowstorm that crippled much of Europe yesterday for a 15 minute ultrasound appointment does not seem to be a good return on my time/money/nerves.  Luckily, notwithstanding windshield wiper spray nozzles that froze up and crashing fatigue (more about that later) I managed to do the whole trip without injuring myself or anyone else.   Thank goodness I had my appointment to get my new winter tires put on this morning, I think I am going to need them at this rate!

The real news however is that this chicken still (!!!) isn't ready to hatch.  I am up to 13 follicles, a lining of whatever that is thick enough for whatever (forget to ask about that yet again!) and diameters ranging from 15mm - 19mm.  I have to go back tomorrow for yet another ultrasound (I am REALLY getting sick of that drive to Belgium, but at least tomorrow is Saturday so my man will be coming with me and doing the driving too).  They think egg retrieval will be on Monday, and whatever fertilizes will get shoved back in on Thursday.

In the meantime my Gonadal F has been upped to 300 for what the doctor is hoping are the last 2 nights of injections (I will find out tomorrow for sure if Saturday is a go).   We did the 300 for the first time last night, and I don't know if I had a bug or what the issue was, but I ended up half the night sick as a dog.  Charming.  Luckily my man slept through the whole thing.  

Cross your fingers for me that we get the green light on Saturday, this driving is really getting tedious and I would just like to get the show on the road at this point!

Cheers

Renee D.