Sunday night...Happy Halloween! I must admit I celebrated last night instead of this evening, which meant that today was a bit, ahh, rough. But no drinking, nope, I was very well behaved on that front, can't pickle those darn eggs (maybe that's what they need though - a nice stiff drink!). But still, when you get to be my ripe old age, even staying out late is enough to throw you off kilter...especially when, after 4 hours sleep, ones' favourite animal kingdom companion decides that it is time for mummy to haul her butt out of bed, and damn the torpedoes! The great news however is that in the course of my evening, and notwithstanding the fact that I was out on the town with a good buddy of mine, I was hit on by a 27-year old. Who almost fell off his bar stool when I assured him that I was just about old enough to be his mother and that perhaps he should go and play with someone closer to his own age. I guess the alcohol was blinding him, but I am studiously ignorning that obvious reality and instead taking his actions as a good sign that maybe, just maybe, my eggs are a bit younger than their chronological age as well.
The big countdown is definitely on now...I get on that plane a week Thursday. Will be interested to see how many all nighters I have to pull to be able to get myself organized to get over to Europe; am already getting a bit panicked about it now. Apparently my man is also having similar thoughts, but more along the lines of "hmmm will the apartment be ready". Which it had better be or I am going to be ticked, as I have no time to deal with him not having a kitchen installed and ready to go, on top of unpacking (he says that is "my job"...I wonder if he would like to haul his cute European butt over to my side of the pond then and deal with what I have on my plate), organizing, getting my bearings in a new town, new country, new language etc., taking a day to spend at the fertility clinic, and then prepping for my job interview. Oh, and of course starting the IVF, assuming I get the green light.
However so far so good. BCP is still being taken with fanatical regularity, it's still making me feel a bit seasick (but very tolerable), and the zits are still there. So hopefully that means all is well. 2 weeks tomorrow and I will know if they will proceed with the IVF, and what my protocol is going to be. Wow wow wow. By mid-December I could be pregnant. Or buying a dog! :-)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day 13: Doubts
It could be hormones from this hyper-charged BCP. It could be the stress of moving myself, my little creature and not much of my stuff halfway around the world to a place where, let's call an ace an ace and a spade a spade, the folks just aren't like us North Americans and no matter how you try to play it, it's not home. Or maybe it's getting my house ready for the January real estate market, which means selling off an awful lot of things that have many warm memories and being hit with the realization that I am slowly but surely breaking all the ties to my current life. In any event I am getting serious cold feet about whether I should be doing this with my partner or just going the sperm donor route. Or shelving the whole thing and taking my new pared-down life and doing something very radical, like hanging out in an ashram for a year or heading to a beach with wifi and finally writing that book. But on the other hand, when I tap into my intuition, I am filled with calm and it says "carry on McDuff, there is a master plan and you are on track towards fulfilling your destiny". I just hope my intuition knows what it is doing these days.
Decisions decisions. I've come an awfully long way to change direction now, but of course if it is the right thing to do, I am no shrinking violet when it comes to doing the right thing and making tough decisions, even if it is at the 11th hour.
Hope you are all having a much better day than me! :-)
Decisions decisions. I've come an awfully long way to change direction now, but of course if it is the right thing to do, I am no shrinking violet when it comes to doing the right thing and making tough decisions, even if it is at the 11th hour.
Hope you are all having a much better day than me! :-)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day 11: It's Getting Real - Appointment Confirmation!
Received my appointment confirmation from the Belgium clinic today with details regarding the time and the exact location...we're getting down to the short strokes now! Exactly 3 weeks from today I have my kick-off meeting with "the Professor" (yes, that's what they call the RE, must be a European thing; then again the clinic is part of a hospital so maybe it is related to their teaching duties there) and they run the final checks to make sure that all systems are go to start the drugs! Which means 3 days after that it will be needles, needles and more needles...not exactly my idea of a good time, but a necessary evil I suppose! I received a great tip from the message board that I have been hanging out on lately, name to use Emla to numb the pain of the intramuscular injections. I am a HUGE fan of Emla for bikini line electrolysis (you feel NO pain, really!) so I am definitely buying the biggest tube I can find and bringing it with me, because who knows whether or not they have an equivalent in Europe and after all, why suffer, life is short!
On a less-positive note, I am starting to get the dreaded zits from the BCP. At my age too! Oh well, maybe that will convince my eggs to act more teenager-like, which, for this exercise, would be a good thing. :-)
On a less-positive note, I am starting to get the dreaded zits from the BCP. At my age too! Oh well, maybe that will convince my eggs to act more teenager-like, which, for this exercise, would be a good thing. :-)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Day 10: How Many Attempts at IVF
The great embryo debate has been very interesting...and as I think about it, sitting here on a rainy Sunday morning looking out over the city and reading the paper (guess that will be a challenge in Europe, but I can always read the paper online thank goodness) it is also a debate that is very much tied to how often one wants to attempt IVF.
The magic number of attempts in my head when I started this was "3". Not sure where it came from, other than perhaps that my North American RE told me that my odds are 30% per attempt (which I now upon further research think is massively unrealistic and the number is more like 10%)...thus in my somewhat lacking in statistical methodology conclusion I said, "ok 3x it is". Actually I think what is really behind that is that assuming there is a 3 month break between each attempt, 3x leaves me at almost 44. At which point I realistically have to pack it in and say that my geriatric eggs just aren't up to the job. And go on a nice trip. Or get a job and step back onto the consumerist bandwagon (nasty). Or pack up my beloved pet and head to some part of the world where my skills can make a difference. We'll see. There are after all so many ways to structure a life beyond having children, and I think it is so important to stay balanced during this process and not lose perspective on the bigger picture. In fact my biggest fear is that I will turn into one of those obsessed ART people that just can't let it go when the universe sends what to me seems to be a very clear signal that nope, non, nyet, nada, nein it is not to be. Which leads me more and more to think maybe I will only do this once, in December. And if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. And if not, I will move on and chalk it up to another one of life's learning experiences.
Hmmmmm.....something to ponder as I vacuum and dust and do laundry today!
Happy Sunday everyone!
The magic number of attempts in my head when I started this was "3". Not sure where it came from, other than perhaps that my North American RE told me that my odds are 30% per attempt (which I now upon further research think is massively unrealistic and the number is more like 10%)...thus in my somewhat lacking in statistical methodology conclusion I said, "ok 3x it is". Actually I think what is really behind that is that assuming there is a 3 month break between each attempt, 3x leaves me at almost 44. At which point I realistically have to pack it in and say that my geriatric eggs just aren't up to the job. And go on a nice trip. Or get a job and step back onto the consumerist bandwagon (nasty). Or pack up my beloved pet and head to some part of the world where my skills can make a difference. We'll see. There are after all so many ways to structure a life beyond having children, and I think it is so important to stay balanced during this process and not lose perspective on the bigger picture. In fact my biggest fear is that I will turn into one of those obsessed ART people that just can't let it go when the universe sends what to me seems to be a very clear signal that nope, non, nyet, nada, nein it is not to be. Which leads me more and more to think maybe I will only do this once, in December. And if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. And if not, I will move on and chalk it up to another one of life's learning experiences.
Hmmmmm.....something to ponder as I vacuum and dust and do laundry today!
Happy Sunday everyone!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 7: The Great Embryo Debate
Well it looks like folks think more is better, at least when you are old and have lousy eggs (well who knows, but I am going to assume they are lousy because I am old).
Having read some responses to my post on the IVF.ca message board, I am inclined to throw in 4....more than that would make me a wee bit edgy I think. And I must admit I secretly think that (healthy) twins would be cool. So much fun in fact! Although I would take any number of wee ones, so long as they were healthy (there's that word again). And of course who is to say I'll even get 4 to toss in there....but I am thinking positive.... :-)
25 days and I kick off the process by finding out what my protocol is. If all is well, 3 days after that I start the drugs. Wow. That's closer than I thought! The only scary thing is that there is an awful lot of stuff that I need to organized between now and then. Phew, I had better get moving!
Having read some responses to my post on the IVF.ca message board, I am inclined to throw in 4....more than that would make me a wee bit edgy I think. And I must admit I secretly think that (healthy) twins would be cool. So much fun in fact! Although I would take any number of wee ones, so long as they were healthy (there's that word again). And of course who is to say I'll even get 4 to toss in there....but I am thinking positive.... :-)
25 days and I kick off the process by finding out what my protocol is. If all is well, 3 days after that I start the drugs. Wow. That's closer than I thought! The only scary thing is that there is an awful lot of stuff that I need to organized between now and then. Phew, I had better get moving!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 6: How Many Eggs to Implant?
Wow...where is the time going? Already Wednesday, and no end of the bottom of my To Do list in sight! I must say, maybe deciding to move halfway around the world with my beloved pet in tow, to live with a guy that I have only known for a little over a year, in an apartment that I chose over the internet (although he took many great pics), with no real job and a rather decimated bank account...is a bit much stress (without throwing IVF into the mix). Everything I read points to NO STRESS during IVF. So I hope I haven't blown it right from the get-go, simply by having an inherently stressful life without even factoring in fertility issues. Sigh.
Ok, I've just given my head a shake. Now is not the time to worry about all of this...after all isn't worry just another form of stress?
The big topic of the week with European man and I is....how many eggs. (Ok, now let me add an aside here - I hope this is a problem we will be fortunate enough to have. Because as I said previously, I think eggs are much more mysterious than anyone wants to admit. And if I may be so bold....I don't think the doctors have a darn clue. Truly.) So the question is, an old dame like me produces, through purely artificial means, a heap-o-eggs. Which then get sucked out via a needle (la-la-la-la hands over ears eyes squeezed tightly shut I am not listening I cannot see I don't want to know) and then my man's swimmers do their thing. So pretend they suck out 15 (fat chance although when they checked me in May I did have 21 follicles, but apparently a follicle doesn't mean there is an egg) and then the swimmers have sex with them them and somehow 7 embryos (or whatever you call them) grow (I hope I am getting this right...because, as I said in a prior post, after the sex bit I get somewhat fuzzy on the details regarding human reproduction). And let's pretend all 7 do turn into good nice embryo thingies (ok we are now in fairy tale land but for the sake of argument, let's pretend - and of course don't forget that no one really has a clue as to what the characteristics of a "nice" embryo are, or I suspect the IVF stats would be WAY better). Of those 7, because the doctors tell me I am an OLD dame of 42 (listen here boys, I AM NOT OLD) they can legally, at least in the IVF clinic where I am getting this done, take a turkey baster and shove in as many as I and my man would like. After which it becomes a genetic, a uterus lining and a who-knows-what-else crapshoot as to which ones "stick".
So my initial response is...ok....so I have 7...and I am an old dame...and this is not cheap....just stick em all where the sun don't shine and let's see what happens.
Nope. Wrong answer.
Because, as I have now been informed, there are all sorts of Horrid Nasty things that happen if you have more than one child at one time in the same body, particularly if you are an Old Dame. Don't get me started on what they are....I get a headache just thinking about it. So what to do? Shove in 1 and take the ultimate gamble? Shove in 2 and maybe get one? Or two? (Ok two is good, I can handle twins....I think? famous last words?) Shove in 3 and get all 3 and horrid diseases and chaos and mayhem and bankruptcy? Shove in 4 and...well...I don't think I have enough real estate to fit 4 and as for the rest, not even going there, more la-la-la hands over eyes etc.. Or, of course the big white elephant in the room....shove in whatever, and get nada. Ok..not going there..not going there...
I think analytical risk-adverse European man put it best, in his genuine and very endearing Terminator accent:
"If ve haf vone....dat is ok but hafing an only child iz stewpid. If ve haf two...dat iz best but you are to skinny for 2 vere vill you put them? If ve half zree...well zis is not good but ve vill make do...somehow. If you tell me ve are hafing 4....I AM GONNA BE PISSED".
So I guess 4 is out. I am for 3 eggs, he is for 2. I am figuring I have one shot at this....so go large. But having said that I have zero interest in being the worlds next octomom. Or having a, as the doctor euphemistically put it, "selective reduction" (ok let's call it like it is folks...going in there, playing big CEO in the sky and offing one and risking the others while you are at it) which is just SO not something I would want to have to deal with. Not that I have a problem with what other folks do, I am pro choice all the way, but it just doesn't sit right with me for myself. Heck, I can't even kill a spider, and I HATE those suckers and wouldn't bat an eye if they had never been invented.
So three...vs two. And as you ALL know, any woman worth her salt always gets her way in the end...so I am thinking that assuming I can even generate 3 good ones (!?!) that's what it will be. Heck, I might even risk 4 if I was feeling particularly wild that day. And with my luck all 4 take, 2 split and I end up with 6. Nope nope nope, ok back to 3.
On a completely unrelated note, the BCP has receded into the background. Even ditched the seasick wristbands last night....and it's all good. I guess it just takes a few days for ones body to acclimatize to the hit of drugs. Just for those of you who are going through the same thing...give it a few days and it will go away. Oh, and no moustache or zits yet either....but hey...not holding out for a miracle here, I'll take it as it comes.
Have a great evening and thanks for reading...nice to know that I am not on my own in this one!
Ok, I've just given my head a shake. Now is not the time to worry about all of this...after all isn't worry just another form of stress?
The big topic of the week with European man and I is....how many eggs. (Ok, now let me add an aside here - I hope this is a problem we will be fortunate enough to have. Because as I said previously, I think eggs are much more mysterious than anyone wants to admit. And if I may be so bold....I don't think the doctors have a darn clue. Truly.) So the question is, an old dame like me produces, through purely artificial means, a heap-o-eggs. Which then get sucked out via a needle (la-la-la-la hands over ears eyes squeezed tightly shut I am not listening I cannot see I don't want to know) and then my man's swimmers do their thing. So pretend they suck out 15 (fat chance although when they checked me in May I did have 21 follicles, but apparently a follicle doesn't mean there is an egg) and then the swimmers have sex with them them and somehow 7 embryos (or whatever you call them) grow (I hope I am getting this right...because, as I said in a prior post, after the sex bit I get somewhat fuzzy on the details regarding human reproduction). And let's pretend all 7 do turn into good nice embryo thingies (ok we are now in fairy tale land but for the sake of argument, let's pretend - and of course don't forget that no one really has a clue as to what the characteristics of a "nice" embryo are, or I suspect the IVF stats would be WAY better). Of those 7, because the doctors tell me I am an OLD dame of 42 (listen here boys, I AM NOT OLD) they can legally, at least in the IVF clinic where I am getting this done, take a turkey baster and shove in as many as I and my man would like. After which it becomes a genetic, a uterus lining and a who-knows-what-else crapshoot as to which ones "stick".
So my initial response is...ok....so I have 7...and I am an old dame...and this is not cheap....just stick em all where the sun don't shine and let's see what happens.
Nope. Wrong answer.
Because, as I have now been informed, there are all sorts of Horrid Nasty things that happen if you have more than one child at one time in the same body, particularly if you are an Old Dame. Don't get me started on what they are....I get a headache just thinking about it. So what to do? Shove in 1 and take the ultimate gamble? Shove in 2 and maybe get one? Or two? (Ok two is good, I can handle twins....I think? famous last words?) Shove in 3 and get all 3 and horrid diseases and chaos and mayhem and bankruptcy? Shove in 4 and...well...I don't think I have enough real estate to fit 4 and as for the rest, not even going there, more la-la-la hands over eyes etc.. Or, of course the big white elephant in the room....shove in whatever, and get nada. Ok..not going there..not going there...
I think analytical risk-adverse European man put it best, in his genuine and very endearing Terminator accent:
"If ve haf vone....dat is ok but hafing an only child iz stewpid. If ve haf two...dat iz best but you are to skinny for 2 vere vill you put them? If ve half zree...well zis is not good but ve vill make do...somehow. If you tell me ve are hafing 4....I AM GONNA BE PISSED".
So I guess 4 is out. I am for 3 eggs, he is for 2. I am figuring I have one shot at this....so go large. But having said that I have zero interest in being the worlds next octomom. Or having a, as the doctor euphemistically put it, "selective reduction" (ok let's call it like it is folks...going in there, playing big CEO in the sky and offing one and risking the others while you are at it) which is just SO not something I would want to have to deal with. Not that I have a problem with what other folks do, I am pro choice all the way, but it just doesn't sit right with me for myself. Heck, I can't even kill a spider, and I HATE those suckers and wouldn't bat an eye if they had never been invented.
So three...vs two. And as you ALL know, any woman worth her salt always gets her way in the end...so I am thinking that assuming I can even generate 3 good ones (!?!) that's what it will be. Heck, I might even risk 4 if I was feeling particularly wild that day. And with my luck all 4 take, 2 split and I end up with 6. Nope nope nope, ok back to 3.
On a completely unrelated note, the BCP has receded into the background. Even ditched the seasick wristbands last night....and it's all good. I guess it just takes a few days for ones body to acclimatize to the hit of drugs. Just for those of you who are going through the same thing...give it a few days and it will go away. Oh, and no moustache or zits yet either....but hey...not holding out for a miracle here, I'll take it as it comes.
Have a great evening and thanks for reading...nice to know that I am not on my own in this one!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Day 4: Ok I am not losing my mind!
What a beautiful sunny day out today...gotta love fall!
Had a follow-up appointment today with my ob-gyn re: some surgery I had 6 weeks ago to remove a polyp in one of the lobes of my uterus....apparently it was sitting right where an egg would normally like to implant (clearly these eggs have very particular likes and dislikes!). So out it came, and I found out today (no big surprise here) that all is well. But much more interesting is that I found out that YES it is perfectly normal to feel this gross on this particular brand of BCP. So it is not my vivid imagination after all! And here I thought I was turning into a hypochondriac!
I also read some studies on melatonin and egg quality today. I am starting to get the distinct impression that one could drive oneself loco with this whole IVF process. Q10? Accupuncture? Raspberry tea? Melatonin? Other? So I think I am going to take the path of least resistance and do nothing other than keep knocking back the Coenzyme Q10, which I have been doing for about 6 months now. Probably a complete waste of money, but at least I can say that I tried one of the various potential remedies for stale eggs. Actually, I did in fact try 2, acupuncture being the other one. However I thought the acupuncturist was a rip off, close to $100 to take 5 minutes to stick in and then pull out some needles? Then on my last appointment I started to bleed at one of the sites of the needles and that was that, I decided to pack that in. And anyways I don't seem to have much of a stress issue (at least not related to fertility) plus I don't really have a fertility issue per se, I just have tied tubes and old eggs. And even those eggs may be ok, as far as current medical science can tell (actually I suspect the doctors haven't really got a clue, which is why this IVF thing is such a crap shoot....someone should try to sort that out one of these days because the whole thing is grossly inefficient and tbh it feels like I am paying big bucks for a bout of medical gambling). Or are those FSH and AMH numbers a complete waste of time too?
European man is still busy working long days and then rushing over to the apartment to paint. I keep pushing him to use up some of that copious vacation those Europeans get so that he isn't killing himself, but he has some sort of an issue with that. I would of course like to think that he wants more time off for when I finally (!) arrive, but the realist in me says fat chance, he just wants to be able to bugger off on a nice trip before the end of the year. Guess I need to break it to him that I might not be feeling so hot and therefore not in the mood for travel, plus my little animal companion will need me around to adjust when we first arrive so dumping him somewhere and taking off won't be an option, plus, minor detail, given that I haven't worked in awhile, I really need to save my funds for things like, ah, IVF and ah, rent and ah, healthy food. Men....geesh.
But hard to believe, 4 weeks Wednesday if all goes well I will be starting the full IVF protocol, whatever that is!
Cheers!
Had a follow-up appointment today with my ob-gyn re: some surgery I had 6 weeks ago to remove a polyp in one of the lobes of my uterus....apparently it was sitting right where an egg would normally like to implant (clearly these eggs have very particular likes and dislikes!). So out it came, and I found out today (no big surprise here) that all is well. But much more interesting is that I found out that YES it is perfectly normal to feel this gross on this particular brand of BCP. So it is not my vivid imagination after all! And here I thought I was turning into a hypochondriac!
I also read some studies on melatonin and egg quality today. I am starting to get the distinct impression that one could drive oneself loco with this whole IVF process. Q10? Accupuncture? Raspberry tea? Melatonin? Other? So I think I am going to take the path of least resistance and do nothing other than keep knocking back the Coenzyme Q10, which I have been doing for about 6 months now. Probably a complete waste of money, but at least I can say that I tried one of the various potential remedies for stale eggs. Actually, I did in fact try 2, acupuncture being the other one. However I thought the acupuncturist was a rip off, close to $100 to take 5 minutes to stick in and then pull out some needles? Then on my last appointment I started to bleed at one of the sites of the needles and that was that, I decided to pack that in. And anyways I don't seem to have much of a stress issue (at least not related to fertility) plus I don't really have a fertility issue per se, I just have tied tubes and old eggs. And even those eggs may be ok, as far as current medical science can tell (actually I suspect the doctors haven't really got a clue, which is why this IVF thing is such a crap shoot....someone should try to sort that out one of these days because the whole thing is grossly inefficient and tbh it feels like I am paying big bucks for a bout of medical gambling). Or are those FSH and AMH numbers a complete waste of time too?
European man is still busy working long days and then rushing over to the apartment to paint. I keep pushing him to use up some of that copious vacation those Europeans get so that he isn't killing himself, but he has some sort of an issue with that. I would of course like to think that he wants more time off for when I finally (!) arrive, but the realist in me says fat chance, he just wants to be able to bugger off on a nice trip before the end of the year. Guess I need to break it to him that I might not be feeling so hot and therefore not in the mood for travel, plus my little animal companion will need me around to adjust when we first arrive so dumping him somewhere and taking off won't be an option, plus, minor detail, given that I haven't worked in awhile, I really need to save my funds for things like, ah, IVF and ah, rent and ah, healthy food. Men....geesh.
But hard to believe, 4 weeks Wednesday if all goes well I will be starting the full IVF protocol, whatever that is!
Cheers!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Day 3: IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!
Hi Everyone and Happy Sunday!
Just a quick update to say - yes yes yes (cartwheels etc. of joy!!!) the "anti-travel sickness" wrist bands seem to have done the job!!! I put them on before I went to bed....and when I woke up this morning, I felt a wee wee bit of nausea, but hardly any! I would say it was a 95% improvement, and the 5%, well, I could live with it. Now I did take them off after I got up because I was worried about what wearing them all day would do to my circulation, and there was a bit of an uptick in the yuckiness factor up until lunchtime, but after that it all settled down (or maybe the big travel cup of ginger tea helped?).
I wonder if they would also work during pregnancy? Oh well, no point in even thinking about that right now, however nice to know that should my old eggs and I somehow manage to beat the odds, there is a possible solution out there. Btw apparently it is based upon the principles of accupuncture (or was it accupressure?). In any event, it didn't involve any drugs and was very straightforward to do....and I can't recall how much they cost since they were bought a few years ago, but I am guessing it was no more than a Starbucks (or two).
So, once again I am a fan of this simple, yet very effective device! (and, in case anyone cares, they work great on boats and planes)
Have a good week!
PS Ok I know this is looking a bit ahead all things considered and I am trying my hardest NOT to do that in any way shape or form, but I bought 2 pregnancy test kits today, 6 in total. Which I will be bringing with me to Europe, because who knows what I would walk out the drugstore with if I tried to buy this over there in a foreign language. And I know I shouldn't use these to check, and should wait for the bloodwork, but frankly who am I kidding? I will no doubt use all 6. And drive myself crazy in the process. So there you have it. No more secrets. At least I am honest about my human frailties! :-)
Just a quick update to say - yes yes yes (cartwheels etc. of joy!!!) the "anti-travel sickness" wrist bands seem to have done the job!!! I put them on before I went to bed....and when I woke up this morning, I felt a wee wee bit of nausea, but hardly any! I would say it was a 95% improvement, and the 5%, well, I could live with it. Now I did take them off after I got up because I was worried about what wearing them all day would do to my circulation, and there was a bit of an uptick in the yuckiness factor up until lunchtime, but after that it all settled down (or maybe the big travel cup of ginger tea helped?).
I wonder if they would also work during pregnancy? Oh well, no point in even thinking about that right now, however nice to know that should my old eggs and I somehow manage to beat the odds, there is a possible solution out there. Btw apparently it is based upon the principles of accupuncture (or was it accupressure?). In any event, it didn't involve any drugs and was very straightforward to do....and I can't recall how much they cost since they were bought a few years ago, but I am guessing it was no more than a Starbucks (or two).
So, once again I am a fan of this simple, yet very effective device! (and, in case anyone cares, they work great on boats and planes)
Have a good week!
PS Ok I know this is looking a bit ahead all things considered and I am trying my hardest NOT to do that in any way shape or form, but I bought 2 pregnancy test kits today, 6 in total. Which I will be bringing with me to Europe, because who knows what I would walk out the drugstore with if I tried to buy this over there in a foreign language. And I know I shouldn't use these to check, and should wait for the bloodwork, but frankly who am I kidding? I will no doubt use all 6. And drive myself crazy in the process. So there you have it. No more secrets. At least I am honest about my human frailties! :-)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Day 2: Are We Having Fun Yet?
Ok...my strategy is to ignore my body and just go about my daily life pretending (read run errands like a madwoman) that I do not feel nauseous and ready to lose my breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/snack at a moment's notice. (Remember - all I am doing is taking The Pill, which millions, no make that billions, have done before me!! I am still convinced this is all in my mind, or else how does everyone else manage to do it?) It seems worst when the alarm goes off, and by mid-afternoon it has receded into the background, but even so it is always there, like a dull toothache that you keep putting off going to the dentist for by just one more day, because maybe, oh maybe, it will go away on its own.
As with all of you who are doing this IVF thing and seem to be much more resilient than me!, I am determined not to let all this medical intervention cramp my style. That said, tonight before I go to bed I am going to wear my accupressure wrist bands (usually reserved for boating and those oh-so-turbulent Beechcraft flights...neither of which I do anymore, but good thing I am a pack rat and hung onto the bands!). I'll let you know tomorrow if they actually made a difference to this icky feeling.
The irony of all of this is not lost on me. To be specific the irony related to all of the time and energy that I put into NOT being an unwed mother between the ages of 18 and 24. Well, 42 is the reverse of 24 (hmmmm just noticed that...a spot of synchronicity perhaps?) and now I am putting in exponentially MORE energy, time, not to mention money and mental duress into BECOMING an unwed mother. Oh my. Funny how life works isn't it? And what's really weird is I don't find it even remotely tacky or worthy of shame, whereas in my young years I would have died of embarrassment. I kid you not! I guess that's what maturity and stale eggs do to you. :-)
Speaking of which, no I don't want to get married. Just the thought of it gives me hives. And anyways luckily it is a decision I won't have to make as....ta da...I am not divorced yet. But not for lacking of trying. You can thank the courts and my lawyer for various administrative screw ups that are dragging this process out unnecessarily. Although I am now targeting the end of the year to have this whole horror officially behind me. At which point I suppose that I could contemplate marriage, but why ruin a good thing. Marriage just feels so passe now. Divorce is definitely bad for one's attitude on that front!
Oh, and speaking of marriage European man continues to be very disinterested in my plight (not even one brief "hi honey how are you feeling today")...but then again I haven't said much about it to him either given yesterday's not-so-encouraging response. I am sure his excuse will be that he is busy getting our new European apartment ready for habitation, which I secretly suspect is pushing his organizational skills to their limits (even though I wrote him a to do list...I would have done a full MS Project Plan for him but I didn't want to insult his intelligence). And to make matters worse and truly push him over the edge (shame on me for my North American perspective but I think you will all get this) it also means acquiring a dryer. A precondition of my stepping off that plane. A woman can only suffer so much. Somewhere, a line must be drawn...this far and not one step further! Because after all I am hoping to have lots of baby clothes to wash soon, and I will not have any child of mine wearing hard-as-rock line-dried clothing, at least not in the first 6 months. After that we'll see.... And in case you are wondering, yes I am paying for half of it (half of everything over there as a matter of fact). Might even be generous and pay for all of it if he asks me nicely. But let's leave him with it and see what he does.....
:-) Happy Saturday night to you all!
As with all of you who are doing this IVF thing and seem to be much more resilient than me!, I am determined not to let all this medical intervention cramp my style. That said, tonight before I go to bed I am going to wear my accupressure wrist bands (usually reserved for boating and those oh-so-turbulent Beechcraft flights...neither of which I do anymore, but good thing I am a pack rat and hung onto the bands!). I'll let you know tomorrow if they actually made a difference to this icky feeling.
The irony of all of this is not lost on me. To be specific the irony related to all of the time and energy that I put into NOT being an unwed mother between the ages of 18 and 24. Well, 42 is the reverse of 24 (hmmmm just noticed that...a spot of synchronicity perhaps?) and now I am putting in exponentially MORE energy, time, not to mention money and mental duress into BECOMING an unwed mother. Oh my. Funny how life works isn't it? And what's really weird is I don't find it even remotely tacky or worthy of shame, whereas in my young years I would have died of embarrassment. I kid you not! I guess that's what maturity and stale eggs do to you. :-)
Speaking of which, no I don't want to get married. Just the thought of it gives me hives. And anyways luckily it is a decision I won't have to make as....ta da...I am not divorced yet. But not for lacking of trying. You can thank the courts and my lawyer for various administrative screw ups that are dragging this process out unnecessarily. Although I am now targeting the end of the year to have this whole horror officially behind me. At which point I suppose that I could contemplate marriage, but why ruin a good thing. Marriage just feels so passe now. Divorce is definitely bad for one's attitude on that front!
Oh, and speaking of marriage European man continues to be very disinterested in my plight (not even one brief "hi honey how are you feeling today")...but then again I haven't said much about it to him either given yesterday's not-so-encouraging response. I am sure his excuse will be that he is busy getting our new European apartment ready for habitation, which I secretly suspect is pushing his organizational skills to their limits (even though I wrote him a to do list...I would have done a full MS Project Plan for him but I didn't want to insult his intelligence). And to make matters worse and truly push him over the edge (shame on me for my North American perspective but I think you will all get this) it also means acquiring a dryer. A precondition of my stepping off that plane. A woman can only suffer so much. Somewhere, a line must be drawn...this far and not one step further! Because after all I am hoping to have lots of baby clothes to wash soon, and I will not have any child of mine wearing hard-as-rock line-dried clothing, at least not in the first 6 months. After that we'll see.... And in case you are wondering, yes I am paying for half of it (half of everything over there as a matter of fact). Might even be generous and pay for all of it if he asks me nicely. But let's leave him with it and see what he does.....
:-) Happy Saturday night to you all!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day 1: The Pill Sucks!
Ok...I know this is going to sound really pathetic given "the best is yet to come" (i.e. the heavy duty drugs don't start for over a month yet!) but, uh, The Pill sucks. At least for me. I woke up this morning feeling really really green around the gills. To which my significant other drily commented, from 1000s of miles away, "great practice for when you are pregnant". Clearly the man needs sensitivity training. Or maybe it's a European man thing and they are all like that?
Anyways I am hoping it is some weird placebo effect conjured up by my vivid imagination. And on a bright note, it got better throughout the day. So I am crossing my fingers...because I know "I ain't seen nuthin' yet".
I am determined to ignore all the little inconveniences and just keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Which means all that matters is that today I am 1 step closer to the goal.
On a girlie note today I got my last North American haircut for awhile (hopefully a long while). Because, after all, after over 20 years with the same hairdresser how can I possibly trust my locks to some European Friseur? It would be like having an affair. Nope, I just can't do it. At least not yet. I will have to work up to it. :-)
Anyways I am hoping it is some weird placebo effect conjured up by my vivid imagination. And on a bright note, it got better throughout the day. So I am crossing my fingers...because I know "I ain't seen nuthin' yet".
I am determined to ignore all the little inconveniences and just keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Which means all that matters is that today I am 1 step closer to the goal.
On a girlie note today I got my last North American haircut for awhile (hopefully a long while). Because, after all, after over 20 years with the same hairdresser how can I possibly trust my locks to some European Friseur? It would be like having an affair. Nope, I just can't do it. At least not yet. I will have to work up to it. :-)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day 0: Lift Off - The Pill
Wow...2 posts in one day...not bad for a blogging virgin!
Anyways it all starts with taking the Pill. Yep. That's all I need to say and everyone knows exactly what I mean. Which seems so weird, because I am about to do IVF. And my odds are not that hot (they tell me 30% but that's probably on the generous side). And my tubes are tied. So it ah, would be kind of hard to get in a family way under the best of conditions. But apparently the Pill stops things from growing in your ovaries so they have complete, scientific control of your egg growing process once you get to the clinic. Which reminds me...have I mentioned that I feel like a chicken? Or rather, like a chicken hatching facility? Sigh.
So tonight I do something I haven't done in 10 years. Take the Pill. Which my doctor reminds me will make my face break out, and probably grow me a moustache. Now isn't THAT romantic....by the time I get to Europe for the IVF I might have to find me a sperm donor as my significant other may have heart failure at the zitty hairy creature that greets him at the airport. Oh and to top it all off I was told that it will kill my sex drive too. Which is ok because right now he is there and I am here. It's been a long 2.5 months. Should have maybe had my doctor put me on it sooner! :-)
But I admit that I am still excited, hair and zits notwithstanding, because at least the process has started. And it feels like a long time since May when I first found out that I was OLD and that my eggs were STALE. Or worse, expired.
At long last we have lift-off on project Baby!
Anyways it all starts with taking the Pill. Yep. That's all I need to say and everyone knows exactly what I mean. Which seems so weird, because I am about to do IVF. And my odds are not that hot (they tell me 30% but that's probably on the generous side). And my tubes are tied. So it ah, would be kind of hard to get in a family way under the best of conditions. But apparently the Pill stops things from growing in your ovaries so they have complete, scientific control of your egg growing process once you get to the clinic. Which reminds me...have I mentioned that I feel like a chicken? Or rather, like a chicken hatching facility? Sigh.
So tonight I do something I haven't done in 10 years. Take the Pill. Which my doctor reminds me will make my face break out, and probably grow me a moustache. Now isn't THAT romantic....by the time I get to Europe for the IVF I might have to find me a sperm donor as my significant other may have heart failure at the zitty hairy creature that greets him at the airport. Oh and to top it all off I was told that it will kill my sex drive too. Which is ok because right now he is there and I am here. It's been a long 2.5 months. Should have maybe had my doctor put me on it sooner! :-)
But I admit that I am still excited, hair and zits notwithstanding, because at least the process has started. And it feels like a long time since May when I first found out that I was OLD and that my eggs were STALE. Or worse, expired.
At long last we have lift-off on project Baby!
The Back Story
I guess I am just like every other statistic out there that I have been reading about lately. And so I thought...hey...this doesn't need to be quite so lonely if I am a statistic...maybe there is another statistic out there just like me....even just 1 person to say "hey I get it"...wouldn't that be cool. So that I wouldn't be quite so on my own on this ride...and who knows, maybe someone else who is going to take it after me will find some useful insights too.
So here goes! Hello...and welcome to my life....at least as it is today. And btw..this is going to be a bit long....but then I'll get short and sweet and to the point with my real time posts...I PROMISE. Really!
It started with a relatively young marriage (well by today's standards), a lot of health issues and some tied tubes. Because I just couldn't face having an abortion and with the medications I needed to live at the time, that would have been the only way. I was 32. And anyways I had a super duper career and never gave one thought to kids. Never ever. In fact, usually they just made me edgy and got on my nerves. Never wanted to coo at a baby. Or play in a sandbox (ick). Instead I got a pet. Loved him to death and focused on working and making money. Then, I blew up my capital C C-level career via a spot of redundancy. Which was ok...because my plan was to suck up my golden handcuff big money but very very nasty job situation and retire at 40 to a significantly downsized life with hopefully still a few shreds of my sanity intact..and find my happiness. Teach a little, write a little, be kind to all of those people that I didn't have time for before while I was rushing all around the world in the pursuit of stuff and whatever else got my gourd.
As fate would have it...it all came together, partially by my own engineering....but with one minor overlooked detail. I woke up and found out that my husband was no longer mine. Gone. Just like that. While I was out making money, paying bills, renovating, taking us on vacations, yadda yadda. Which sort of screwed up the entire plan. Big time. And on so many different levels.
You all know the divorce story, I won't bother you with that stuff. Same old, same old. It gives me a headache just to think of it. I pulled my own mini-version of "Eat Pray Love" (what a super book, really, even if you haven't gone through a divorce, worth reading) so that my soul wouldn't implode. Because it was very very nasty. Would much rather lie in major emerg sucking air through a straw then do that again. However the universe works in very funny ways. As in I got on my flight to Europe with a chip on my shoulders the size of, well, something really really big....a dose of attitude even bigger and...met someone. Actually the unlucky sod sitting beside me. Who was really just being polite, and I was, well, not really showing my best side if you know what I mean. Now let me tell you all that I was 41 and had been with my ex for 21 years. I couldn't have cared less about meeting someone. In fact the plan was to stay away from men for a year, and then to see. But...to cut to the chase....we got together. Last October. In Europe. (Well I had no job and no husband, and not much of anything to tie me to North America anymore, so what the heck?) And decided, this spring...that hey...wouldn't it be cool to have a baby.
Ok....and so here is the weirdest thing. I didn't really "decide" to have a baby, that was a bit glib. In fact, I think aliens sucked out my brain and stuffed it with gummi bears. Or chocolate. I actually all of a sudden felt this overwhelming urge right in my core (not sure really how to explain it) that I have to do this. Just have to. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life. Even though I never wanted to have a family. And btw...I am a very rational analytical person. Just in case you are wondering.
And I have to do it with this guy. And it has to be RIGHT NOW.
So the journey actually began in May. At a fertility clinic. Where I found out that I am OLD. Yep. OLD. Now at 42 I never really saw myself that way. In fact I look much younger than my years, probably thanks to my health-related super healthy diet and my 5k run every morning. And some....ah....artificial help if you know what I mean :-) (No worries, can't afford that anymore...it's au naturel from now on, hope he doesn't notice!).
They fit me in right away. Because I was OLD. Which is funny, because it was the first time I was ever hit with wanting something whose outcome I couldn't control. Of course in hindsight I should have done some research and realized that at 42 I was past it. But, well, who knew? Tbh, I could barely remember, once the fun part was over, what happened to make a baby in the first place. After all Grade 9 sex ed was a long long time ago. (Yep the dear doctor had to explain a few basics to me...it was kinda embarrassing.) They talked to me about donor eggs and adoption on that first visit. But I pushed back a little and asked if there wasn't some test that they could run to check if I could pull it off. Just to be on the safe side?
Wow. Stupid me. Good thing I didn't realize what was involved in this "test". Because if I did, I would have packed it in after the initial consultation. However again the universe works in weird ways...and I found myself with a big plastic ultrasound thingie up my privates every morning for over a week. And daily bloodwork, such that I started to look like I had a wee, ahh, extracurricular activity hobby thing going down. Lots of long sleeves even though it was a warm spring. Then came showtime. Time to count the follicles. And recount. And then double-check my file to make sure the birthdate was right. 21 of those follicle suckers. Low FSH (5 something? can't remember and didn't write it down). AMH of 16.1. So they decided that maybe I wasn't so old after all. Maybe more like 38. Of course I still think I am 21...I'll probably even think that when I am 93....because it's all in your head if you ask me.
Anyways. Here I am. It's October 14. 2010. I will be 43 this year yet. And in 4 weeks I am flying to Europe (the other party in the equation is there and it's WAY cheaper to do it over there, even the drugs are cheaper and since I have no job, I have no drug plan and of course separating from my ex wasn't exactly kind to my savings either if you know what I mean....btw I don't EVER want to hear a man complain about the paying aspect of a divorce..been there done it got the t-shirt) to do IVF. So by mid December I guess I will know if it worked. Which of course the rational analytical side of me says "nope, no way, too old....eggs are too crummy lady." And even if it does work, then there are all of those nasty disease things that can go wrong that I have been reading so much about lately. Plus I have known the potential dad for just over a year. And he is there and I am here. So really, it's more like 6 months of face time. Cuz Skype doesn't count (but it's GREAT I love love love you Skype you have saved my sanity!). And thus really, the rational analytical me says that I am insane and to just get over it all and get a job. But that weird urge won't go away. So...to every other statistic like me....who also tried...or will try...and made it...or didn't....here goes my journey. I probably don't have much to add to this story. But like I said, if there is someone else out there about to go on this road...or been there, done it, no matter what....a friendly "hello" would be great. Because tbh it's kind of scary. Like I said again...welcome!
PS I have never blogged in my life. I had to Google it just to see how to do it. And it took me over an hour just to get this blog set up. So sorry if I haven't got all the glitz and glamour. But I'll figure it out as I go. Hopefully! :-)
So here goes! Hello...and welcome to my life....at least as it is today. And btw..this is going to be a bit long....but then I'll get short and sweet and to the point with my real time posts...I PROMISE. Really!
It started with a relatively young marriage (well by today's standards), a lot of health issues and some tied tubes. Because I just couldn't face having an abortion and with the medications I needed to live at the time, that would have been the only way. I was 32. And anyways I had a super duper career and never gave one thought to kids. Never ever. In fact, usually they just made me edgy and got on my nerves. Never wanted to coo at a baby. Or play in a sandbox (ick). Instead I got a pet. Loved him to death and focused on working and making money. Then, I blew up my capital C C-level career via a spot of redundancy. Which was ok...because my plan was to suck up my golden handcuff big money but very very nasty job situation and retire at 40 to a significantly downsized life with hopefully still a few shreds of my sanity intact..and find my happiness. Teach a little, write a little, be kind to all of those people that I didn't have time for before while I was rushing all around the world in the pursuit of stuff and whatever else got my gourd.
As fate would have it...it all came together, partially by my own engineering....but with one minor overlooked detail. I woke up and found out that my husband was no longer mine. Gone. Just like that. While I was out making money, paying bills, renovating, taking us on vacations, yadda yadda. Which sort of screwed up the entire plan. Big time. And on so many different levels.
You all know the divorce story, I won't bother you with that stuff. Same old, same old. It gives me a headache just to think of it. I pulled my own mini-version of "Eat Pray Love" (what a super book, really, even if you haven't gone through a divorce, worth reading) so that my soul wouldn't implode. Because it was very very nasty. Would much rather lie in major emerg sucking air through a straw then do that again. However the universe works in very funny ways. As in I got on my flight to Europe with a chip on my shoulders the size of, well, something really really big....a dose of attitude even bigger and...met someone. Actually the unlucky sod sitting beside me. Who was really just being polite, and I was, well, not really showing my best side if you know what I mean. Now let me tell you all that I was 41 and had been with my ex for 21 years. I couldn't have cared less about meeting someone. In fact the plan was to stay away from men for a year, and then to see. But...to cut to the chase....we got together. Last October. In Europe. (Well I had no job and no husband, and not much of anything to tie me to North America anymore, so what the heck?) And decided, this spring...that hey...wouldn't it be cool to have a baby.
Ok....and so here is the weirdest thing. I didn't really "decide" to have a baby, that was a bit glib. In fact, I think aliens sucked out my brain and stuffed it with gummi bears. Or chocolate. I actually all of a sudden felt this overwhelming urge right in my core (not sure really how to explain it) that I have to do this. Just have to. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life. Even though I never wanted to have a family. And btw...I am a very rational analytical person. Just in case you are wondering.
And I have to do it with this guy. And it has to be RIGHT NOW.
So the journey actually began in May. At a fertility clinic. Where I found out that I am OLD. Yep. OLD. Now at 42 I never really saw myself that way. In fact I look much younger than my years, probably thanks to my health-related super healthy diet and my 5k run every morning. And some....ah....artificial help if you know what I mean :-) (No worries, can't afford that anymore...it's au naturel from now on, hope he doesn't notice!).
They fit me in right away. Because I was OLD. Which is funny, because it was the first time I was ever hit with wanting something whose outcome I couldn't control. Of course in hindsight I should have done some research and realized that at 42 I was past it. But, well, who knew? Tbh, I could barely remember, once the fun part was over, what happened to make a baby in the first place. After all Grade 9 sex ed was a long long time ago. (Yep the dear doctor had to explain a few basics to me...it was kinda embarrassing.) They talked to me about donor eggs and adoption on that first visit. But I pushed back a little and asked if there wasn't some test that they could run to check if I could pull it off. Just to be on the safe side?
Wow. Stupid me. Good thing I didn't realize what was involved in this "test". Because if I did, I would have packed it in after the initial consultation. However again the universe works in weird ways...and I found myself with a big plastic ultrasound thingie up my privates every morning for over a week. And daily bloodwork, such that I started to look like I had a wee, ahh, extracurricular activity hobby thing going down. Lots of long sleeves even though it was a warm spring. Then came showtime. Time to count the follicles. And recount. And then double-check my file to make sure the birthdate was right. 21 of those follicle suckers. Low FSH (5 something? can't remember and didn't write it down). AMH of 16.1. So they decided that maybe I wasn't so old after all. Maybe more like 38. Of course I still think I am 21...I'll probably even think that when I am 93....because it's all in your head if you ask me.
Anyways. Here I am. It's October 14. 2010. I will be 43 this year yet. And in 4 weeks I am flying to Europe (the other party in the equation is there and it's WAY cheaper to do it over there, even the drugs are cheaper and since I have no job, I have no drug plan and of course separating from my ex wasn't exactly kind to my savings either if you know what I mean....btw I don't EVER want to hear a man complain about the paying aspect of a divorce..been there done it got the t-shirt) to do IVF. So by mid December I guess I will know if it worked. Which of course the rational analytical side of me says "nope, no way, too old....eggs are too crummy lady." And even if it does work, then there are all of those nasty disease things that can go wrong that I have been reading so much about lately. Plus I have known the potential dad for just over a year. And he is there and I am here. So really, it's more like 6 months of face time. Cuz Skype doesn't count (but it's GREAT I love love love you Skype you have saved my sanity!). And thus really, the rational analytical me says that I am insane and to just get over it all and get a job. But that weird urge won't go away. So...to every other statistic like me....who also tried...or will try...and made it...or didn't....here goes my journey. I probably don't have much to add to this story. But like I said, if there is someone else out there about to go on this road...or been there, done it, no matter what....a friendly "hello" would be great. Because tbh it's kind of scary. Like I said again...welcome!
PS I have never blogged in my life. I had to Google it just to see how to do it. And it took me over an hour just to get this blog set up. So sorry if I haven't got all the glitz and glamour. But I'll figure it out as I go. Hopefully! :-)
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