The Fat Lady Sang Loud and Clear

It ain't over until it's over, but it is definitely over!!!!

I am the proud owner of an empty but much-prodded uterus, to the tune of $8,000 (roughly). Hmmmm...think of the vacation that we could have had!

Anyways it has been an interesting ride, that's for sure!  My man is already asking about round 2, but I am not so sure it makes sense, so I am not prepared to entertain that thought yet. Also I am still waiting for the feedback from the Reproductive Endocrinologist, which I suspect will be that my eggs are too old.  After that we will see.  I am thinking that getting back into working and getting a dog is good enough for me.  After all I made it through 43 years without children, so I think I can handle another 20 just fine.  Plus it would probably tie me up too much, and commitment isn't exactly high on my list at this point, especially after how the last few weeks have gone, relationship-wise.   Then again I am not one to spend much time second guessing myself, but still...perhaps slowing down and figuring out what I want in a partner and out of my life would not be a bad thing, before forcing a decision by getting knocked up by his sperm.

So all in all, all is well that ends well, and I am at peace with how it went.

Now I get to look forward to a trip back home (yeay) to sort out my belongings (read - real estate) and then it's time to buckle down and hopefully get back into the workforce.

Never a dull moment!

Suspect I will have a few more posts here, re: what the doctor has to say and next steps but other than that I'll say "bye for now and thanks for listening"!

Cheers!

Think the Fat Lady Has Sung....

It ain't over until it's over, but in my case, I think it is now safe to conclude that the final score is Nature 1, Me 0.  Which is ok under the circumstances.  Sure as heck beats an ectopic pregnancy.  Or worse.  So all is well that ends well, and I am now able to look ahead with some certainty at last.   Thank goodness I planned everything on the assumption that the fat lady would not be singing and thus have things in motion so that I have a future that I can nevertheless look forward to, notwithstanding life's twists and turns. I really do pity some of the other women going through this who seem to have lost their grip on reality, or at a minimum, their perspective, due to their all-consuming fixation/desperation on reproducing. Luckily I did not turn into one of those, although I see how it can happen, and more easily than I would have thought.  I was also very fortunate to find a chat room buddy who was level-headed but going through the same process, that I could run things by and who helped keep it all in perspective, so a big thank-you to S.!!

Now it's onwards and forwards - new job, another car (really have to unload one at least, after all how many BMWs does a hard working career girl truly need, especially when they aren't even on the same continent as me!), knuckling down to finalize the decorating of the apartment (which includes buying a few sticks of furniture - yuck - but I know it will be worth it once it is done) and a quick trip back to North America to sort out a few practicalities.  But more importantly, my short term treats for this coming week, which include a 2-hour massage (YEAY) and a facial (MORE YEAY!). 

Still one blood test to go before I shut this all down, and of course I'll do that final update later this week.

Cheers to you all and have a great Boxing Day!

And We Keep Watching....

Just a quick update to say that I had a rough "on the couch think I have the flu" day yesterday.  Added to which was the worry about a potential ectopic pregnancy and being a bit down about having no Christmas at all this year (and then of course chiding myself because there are much worse problems in the world than mine!).  Oh well, it is always darkest before the dawn! 

The good news (I think) is that I started spotting last night.  That, combined with the faintest of lines on my HPT of this morning (in fact so faint that maybe I was imagining it?) indicating, at best, a super-tenuous positive, is leaving me hopeful that nature has come to its logical conclusion, instead of, to add insult to injury, pushing me into a situation where I need to have surgery or other nasty procedures to finish this off.  One more home pregnancy test tomorrow, and then the final bloodwork on Monday, which will hope will close this chapter off unequivocally, rather than stringing me along unnecessarily.

Might try to get out for a few hours today in the snow (not sure what else would be on offer on Xmas Day around here), except I have a crashing headache, so my motivation levels to do much are still rather low.

Cheers and stay tuned!

What a load of crapola

Did the beta today.  Which meant wandering around a large poorly labelled hospital campus in the freezing cold with icy and unshovelled sidewalks in 4 inch heels (ok I know I know, I figured there would be parking nearby but silly me forgot...this is Europe) for over an hour, until some doctor took pity on me and in broken English took me to the place that I was looking for.  Which no rational human could have found, because it was under construction and labelled as the andrology clinic (huh?...ok?). 

Anyways to make a long story short my HCG was at 16.4 and my progesterone at 11.9.  Which basically is the tail end of my last Pregnyl (hormone) shot working its way out of my system, and definitely not a pregnancy.  Although I do have to go back on Monday and they'll redo the bloodwork to see if it has gone up.  Personally I am just hoping that my period hits full force between now and then and I can call it a day.  What a waste of my life and energy this whole process has become!  And tbh I don't even care what the result is, I just want to know so that I can move on, one way or the other.  Actually after witnessing a 2 year old have a complete meltdown in a crowded store today I think I am leaning towards a negative in any event.   It is becoming very clear that at my age there are too many unknown variables in this process, and I don't feel like dealing with a pregnancy for a few months if I could even get that far, only to find out in the end that I need to have an abortion due to some chromosomal defect that doesn't become apparent until they do an amnio.  No thanks.

I'll tune in again after Monday's test for what will hopefully be The Final Chapter (or maybe sooner if Mother Nature makes things very clear via a period), but I am thinking that in the battle of Me Vs. Nature, Nature won, and good on her I say - she can have it.  I will send her my thanks as I am cruising the Autobahn in my A5 convertible and enjoying my life in other ways.  :-) 

Time to think about getting a dog...haven't ever seen one of those have a tantrum in a store!

Cheers and MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone, really, I do mean it!

PS No Xmas for us I am afraid, man is down for the count with the flu.  Drag.

One More Day to Go.....

At long last this journey is almost over!  What a relief it will be to move on from this whole process and get back to normal.  I feel like my entire life has been on hold since the decision to go ahead with this was made in the summer.  All I can say is many thanks to a good buddy of mine who told me to carry on as if I wasn't pregnant or planning on being, and to make all of my decisions on that basis.  Excellent advice!!!

Last night I caved in and slept with a sports bra...hellooooooo?    Oh well, unorthodox but it worked, I didn't get awakened once by sore boobs.  Nor did I have to rush out of bed to pee, I stayed away from a nighttime tea this time!  I am crossing my fingers (and toes) that this darn Pregnyl will have worked its way out of my system by the weekend so that the bloat starts going down and I start feeling like a human being again.  What a nasty nasty drug!

This morning's HPT was only very faintly positive, so the good news is that I am inching closer to getting this drug out of my system.  Tomorrow is beta day (wow - the 2 weeks just flew by) and then I will have closure.  I am looking forward to spoiling myself and focusing on my potential new job as well as at long last finalizing things in my new apartment.   Plus a trip back home in 2-3 weeks to try to finalize things there (heavens do I EVER miss North America!!), and then if everything comes together it will be back to the working grind after a luxurious almost 2 year break. I digress here, but working so sucks.  However this job sounds like it might actually be fun so I am keeping an open mind.

Stay tuned for the final chapter in my battle with nature, I am very intrigued by where it will have ended up!  In the meantime time to start researching a treadmill on the internet because I refuse to be a bloated beach ball for New Year's Eve festivities!

Cheers!

2 Days To Go......

....and my boobs are KILLING me.  Sorry about the TMI, but between that the bloating, I am expecting one DOOZY of a period. Just in time for Christmas.  Ho ho ho and joy joy joy to me!  :-)

But seriously...my boobs are so darn sore I can't even sleep at night anymore...every time I move, they hurt and wake me up.  Oh and the peeing.  Don't even get me started.  Think I was up 5x for that last night.  Because silly me drank a big cup of tea before going to bed, hoping that it would settle down the bloat.  Well, all it did was keep me waking up every 2 hours for a bathroom run, thus leaving me tired and cranky this morning. 

In between all the tooing and froing to the bathroom last night (Europeans don't seem to get the concept of an en suite) I also managed to fit in a dream that I got my results and they were negative.  So as much as I like to say that I am cool as a cucumber about this whole thing (other than annoyed by the never-ending minor physical discomfort) it would seem that my subconscious is dwelling on things while I am busy trying to do other things.  But that's ok, better my subconscious be busy than have me flipping out all day.  

In any event, in 2 days I will know and then all of this fun and frolic will finally be behind me and I can move on to other things.  We have already discussed doing some skiing (no lack of snow here...in fact I could ski down my urban street right now if the inclination struck me), and there are a few cities (Budapest and Vienna come to mind) that I would really like to check out before (hopefully, assuming everything works out) I jump back into the craziness of an intense job.   Which reminds me, I still have to scare up a cleaning lady.  Won't that be an interesting adventure! 

The good news is that my Christmas cookies are yummy.  So yummy that I am eating them for breakfast.  Whoops!  Maybe the bloat is actually me getting fat from all of the junk food and chocolate here.  Well, on the 23rd once my results are in I will buckle down, find a treadmill, and get my body back since at that point I won't be able to blame the drugs anymore!

Now it's time to do some work and then source some of the ingredients for Xmas dinner.  And gifts...must do that too...not sure why I have been so lackadaisical about that.  Luckily I don't have too many to do!

Cheers from the great white snowy European continent!

Getting Closer...

Hard to believe after all of this lapse time and medical intervention, that in 3 days I will have done my pregnancy blood test and be waiting by the phone for my results (or maybe even know them?).  Well, maybe I won't quite be waiting by the phone...rather, I'll be out and about doing my Xmas shopping.   Or doing the prep for Xmas dinner, as they do it on the evening of the 24th here, so I can do the sauces and dips on the 23rd without fear of giving anyone food poisoning.  Of course if my period shows up before then, I will have my answer even sooner.   Judging by the soreness of my boobs and the crampiness that I feel it is about to hit any day now.  However I did have that one afternoon of cramping around implantation time, so I haven't entirely written the whole exercise off.  So weird to invest so much time and money in something with such low odds, and then to have no symptoms to speak of that would give any indication of the outcome.  However the 2 weeks are almost up and to be honest, they sped by fairly quickly.  Before I know it this whole process will be a distant memory!

Time to go and bake some Christmas cookies now...I am woefully behind in all of my Christmas preparations, other than having put up my tree!

Cheers!